Friday, July 20, 2007

Katie Meiners is My Girlfriend

I got in trouble yesterday with my girlfriend because I have yet to mention her anywhere in the blog (it's been up a whole four days - what the hell is wrong with me?). Her name is Katie and she is probably reading this entry right now so, just so everyone knows, Katie is a beautiful, intelligent and funny woman who has changed my life for the better and, contrary to anything I might tell you, does not keep my testicles in a mason jar.

In fact, I have written this short biography on the life of Katie, which I would now like to share with you:

Katie Meiners (February 6, 1895 – August 16, 1948), also known as "Hot Pants McGinty" was an American Major League baseball girlfriend from 1914-1935. She is widely regarded as one of the greatest baseball girlfriends in history. Many polls place her as the number one girlfriend of all time.

Katie's reign is referred to as the Golden Age of Katie. Katie was a decisive girlfriend. Her favourite motto was video et taceo ("I do what I want"). This last quality, viewed with impatience by her counsellors, often saved her from marital misalliances.

But she was not without her detractors. As one such person put it,
“She was a charlatan. In 1896 she published three papers claiming that she had cured X number of patients. First it was thirteen and then it was eighty. And she had cured them all by obliging them to remember that they had been sexually abused as children. In 1897 she lost faith in this theory, but she'd told her colleagues that this was the way to cure the chest cold. So she had a scientific obligation to tell people about her change of mind. But she didn't. She didn't even hint at it until 1905, and even then she wasn't clear.”
In May 2005 Katie became involved in an unusual legal battle with her barber of 20 years, Carlos Marx of Lebanon. After cutting Katie's hair, Marx sold some of it to a collector for $20,000 without Katie's knowledge or consent. Katie threatened legal action unless the barber returned her hair or donated the proceeds to a charity of Katie's choosing. Marx, unable to get the hair back, decided to donate the proceeds to the charity that Katie chose. Then she started dating Nat Topping, and has regretted it ever since.

Well, there you have it; the story of my lovely girlfriend Katie Meiners. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading her life story as much as I have enjoyed making it up.

(The only reason I'll get away with this load of drivel is that Katie has a great sense of humor. I love you very much, Katie)


Anonymous said...

i love you, nat topping!

Crump said...