"We set out from Jamaicatown in our rickety schooner, the Spitz Swallows, in the hopes of plundering Booty on the Spanish Main. I always thought that 'plundering' was a tad bit violent and unnecessary considering we had never even met the guy, although he must have done something to deserve the name Booty, so I had mixed feelings about the whole voyage from the beginning. Luckily, I was not to be doing any of the plundering. My job was only to keep the other sailors' spirits up. Luckily for them, I'm Billy Beers: pirate entertainer.
"On the first few days out, the seas were choppy and volatile and out little ship was battered back and forth across the waves like we were a toy boat made of Popsicle sticks. Of course, the Spitz Swallows actually was constructed entirely of Popsicle sticks and Elmer's glue and to this day part of me can't help but think that this had something to do with the trip's nastiness. It was nearly impossible for me to perform my 7:00 floor show; I was projectile vomiting almost nonstop throughout those first stormy days. Luckily, the crew seemed to enjoy watching me be horrendously sick. At least someone was having a good time.
"By the sixth day of the journey, the seas, like Alanis Morrisette, had mellowed out. I went topside to get some fresh air and sunlight. Salty, the ship's cook, was leaning against the side railing looking out over the sea. I had always liked Salty, although I never cared much for his cooking. I have to watch my sodium intake. I sidled up to Salty.
"'Say, Salty, sea's so silent,' I said. I've always been a fan of slipping alliteration into casual everyday conversation.
"'Y'arr, shut your pie hole, ya derned fruit,' he said. Salty and I had a healthy relationship and liked to joke around.
"'I just think it's nice and quiet, don't you?'
"'Ay, but t'is a deceptive quiet. T'is the dreaded Sargasso Sea.'
"'Sargasso sea's scary, says Salty Sailor.'
"'Would ya stop doing that? No one thinks you're clever.'
"'Sassy Salty. Sacred Sasquatch stains.'
"Salty reached for his butcher's knife, which he kept on him at all times, just in case he ever needed to butch something.
"'Sorry.' I said quickly. 'I mean, my apologies.'
Salty eyed me warily for a moment, and then put the butcher's knife back. He looked out over the seas, with a mournful look in his eyes. "'Many a man has died upon the waves of the Sargasso Sea,' he said. 'These waters are haunted by the most fearsome creature ever to inhabit land or sea.'
"'What creature?' I asked. I was still new to the whole pirating thing at the time. Salty looked at me with a glint of fear in his eyes.
"'The dread giant Puppyfish.'
COMING SOON: The second part of part III!