Horrible Advice on Overcoming Writer's Block

Have you ever hit a wall? I did. Yesterday. Not a physical wall - although I have done that as well in the more clumsy moments of my life - but a proverbial wall. The kind of wall you hit when you really want to write something but you can't because your mind is preoccupied by oh I don't know... the difference between red and black squirrels. It's not just the color, people.

The Writer's Block is a horribly debilitating disease that harms not only writers, but also human beings. I have seen many a regular Joe or Josephine virtually paralyzed while trying to write a check or sign a credit card slip. How many poor unfortunate highschoolers put off writing that important English paper on Beowulf? I guarantee you, they procrastinate not because they would rather be playing the most recent iteration of Grand Theft Auto or huffing Premium Unleaded Gasoline or having unprotected sexual intercourse with skeevy slutbags (they can be male or female); these distractions are nothing more than that - distractions. They procrastinate because of the dreaded Writer's Block.

But don't worry - The Writer's Block is treatable. Here are a couple of fail-safe methods, which I have made up just now but are none-the-less effective, that will help you push through these trying and difficult times.

1. Kick a Seagull: I saw a guy do this once on Mackinac Island and it looked pretty inspiring. I can only imagine that the kicker was something of a poet. He certainly has the soul of one. I know that merely witnessing it helped me write my most successful poem yet: Seaghoul: Forced Flight of the Soul. At the very least, the act of kicking a defenseless animal should give you enough guilt to fuel a short story.
2. Get Toasted: All of the great writers were colossal drunkards. Why should you be any different? Follow in the tradition and start your morning off with a double of Jack Daniels. By your fifth or sixth drink, you're bound to write something. Just keep a pad of paper and a pen next to the toilet.
3. Plagiarize: This method has gotten a bad rap as of late, but still effective. Hip Hop does it; why not you? Just be sure to pick something obscure. People might notice if you're stealing from F. Scott Fitzgerald. Find someone Hungarian (who the hell reads Hungarian literature?) and go to town.
4. Masturbate: A lot. I can't promise it'll inspire you to do anything but go back to sleep, but hey; it's a way to pass the time.

Those are just the four off of the top of my head. You can find these and many more helpful tips in my upcoming book on writing entitled Write. A more clever title is forthcoming.