Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Napoleon's Missing Member

For the longest time, I thought that it would be very cool to one day be incredibly famous. The question was never 'do I want to be rich and famous?' but 'what's the best/easiest way to become rich and famous?' How did I land on attempting to write comedy? I can't even remember anymore. I was probably very drunk at the time. Or running a very high fever. Or maybe a bit of both.

And then yesterday I saw this:, from our thought provoking friends at CNN who, in addition to providing up-to-the-minute reporting on daily news and insightful commentary on current events, also offers an enormous amount of random crap to lift our spirits and distract us from real problems.

It's enough to make you rethink your life plans, isn't it? Conquering pretty much all of continental Europe is all well and good, but what does the accomplishment really amount to when some French priest runs off with your disembodied penis at the end of the day? Unless, of course, Napoleon checked the "organ donor" box on his driver's licensce in which case, I suppose, he asked for it.

Oh, and just for the record: there's an awful Catholic clergy joke to be made here. I'm not going to make it, but I just wanted everyone to know.

Even poor Saint Francis Xavier ended up with pieces and parts all over the place. I thought that back in the day spreading one's remains to the four corners of the earth was supposed to be a punishment.

When I was in Italy I visited Sienna where they have this huge cathedral devoted to Saint Catherine. And in this cathedral, sitting in a ornate little box, is the disembodied head of none other than Saint Catherine. It's sitting out for everyone to see - this shriveled little medieval head just kind of hanging out in the middle of this beautiful Romanesque cathedral. And let me tell you, several hundred years has not been kind to her complexion. Is this the reward for a lifetime of selfless giving and devotion to God? They put your creepy mumified remains on display for tourists to gawk at, snap pictures of and shiver uncontrollably over? Saint Catherine would probably be rolling in her grave if she could find the rest of herself.

No wonder young priests are so hard to come by these days. I bet there would probably be less corrupt businessmen crawling around out there in the world if there was a demand for dead CEO penis on eBay.

Actually, come to think of it, I may be on to something there....

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