Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Babies = Global Disaster

I just thought this was interesting because typically I don't keep up on the most recent child-birth related news (contrary to popular belief), and yet I've come across these two articles on that very topic in the course of 12 hours.

I read this little snippet from an article on Being an ESPN article, most of it deals with sports news, etc. (if you're interested in this history of something called the "shotgun spread", you can look through the article here; if not, I'll save you the trouble in a moment), but there are the occasional snippets on world news and other little fascinating tidbits from around the world. And links to cheerleader pictures. Hey, it's a sports article. What do you want? Towards the bottom of the article is this little piece of information:

"Last week, Chinese government officials told the United Nations climate change talks in Vienna that the country has taken a dramatic step against greenhouse gas emissions -- by preventing 300 million people from being born. China calculates its one-child policy has averted 300 million births, which "means we averted 1.3 billion tons of carbon dioxide in 2005, based on average world per capital emissions of 4.2 tons," Chinese Foreign Ministry official Su Wei told the conference, according to a Reuters report."

What a uniquely totalitarian solution to the global warming issue. Not only do humans burn fossil fuels to drive to stores to buy their new iPhones which they must then charge at home using electricity that was generated by burning fossil fuels, but they also create carbon dioxide simply by breathing. Our lungs are miniature coal power plants! How are you going to deal that shit, Kyoto Protocol? Simple: just stop making the babies. No kids, no future oxygen consumers, no problem.

Johnathon Swift would be proud. Or might be, at least. Or he could be appalled.

Wait, what's that BBC news? What's happening in Russia? They're what? Humping?! Show me.

Evidently, a paltry 3,000-some miles west of Beijing, the government is promoting procreation in Russia. Just when it looks like China is on the verge of saving us all from ourselves, along comes Russia to destroy the world - not with nuclear missiles but with pocket rockets. (I'm groaning too just writing that)

Not only are the Russians asking people to take the day off from work today to go have some sex, they're giving them prizes. This year's grand prize winner won an SUV - a gas-guzzling ozone-stabbing SUV! All they had to do was have a child born on June 12th and then... wait a minute. That's my birthday! Damn it; I always knew I was born 25 years too early in the wrong country.

All this being said, you can't really blame the Russians too much. Wednesday is, afterall, hump day.


Seoulcially Akward Nessie said...

You know, you're funny. I like you. Come home soon.

Seoulcially Akward Nessie said...

P.S. You've inspired me to write in my blog again. You should check it out, I made a joke at your expense.

Crump said...