Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Death by Popcorn

For those of you who are thinking about maybe throwing a bag of delicious microwavable popcorn into the microwave oven and having yourselves an enjoyable little evening snack, think again. Put the box of popcorn down (slowly - you don't want to do anything to upset the popcorn) and then read this article immediately.

Evidently, the butter flavoring used in your microwavable popcorn may or may not potentially be at least partially responsible for causing one isolated case of lung cancer for someone (who remains nameless in the article) who microwaved multiple bags of popcorn a day for an undisclosed amount of years. "We cannot be sure that this patient's exposure to butter flavored microwave popcorn from daily heavy preparation has caused his lung disease," quoth our popcorn related disease specialist Dr. Cecile Rose. "However, we have no other plausible explanation."

I don't know about you, but "no other plausible explanation" is enough for me. I hope you all know what this means. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Orville Redenbacher is trying to kill you.

This looks like a man who likes to relax by spending an evening in front of his television in his plaid pajamas with a romantic comedy starring Meg Ryan and a big ol' bowl of hot fresh human brains to snack on. Have you seen this guy's commercials lately? He's been dead for 12 years and he has new commercials running on the major networks. I'm no zombie expert, but dead guy doing commercial shoots? Sounds zombie-esque to me.

I don't know about you all but one day I hope to have at least one reason to fear absolutely everything in the entire known world. Finally I'll be free of the whole "enjoying things" so that I can focus on my true passion in life, which is to avoid doing, eating, saying or thinking anything remotely enjoyable. Thank God I can finally check microwavable popcorn off of that list, and thank God for you, media, for continuing to provide me with news that I absolutely can't live without.