Tuesday, September 11, 2007

If I Could Change the Alphabet....

"...I'd put you and I together! Let's go make out."

Originally, I was going to write a post on something substantial, like that whole moveon.org General Patraeus Ad in the New York Times (If you haven't heard about it, you can find an article on it here. I'm not going to tackle the Iraq War question right now, nor the Freedom of Speech question, but seriously, fuck these people. The man has a very shitty job. You may take issue with war policy or the Bush administration - hell who doesn't - and you may accuse him of being biased, but treason is a pretty heavy charge to level against a guy who's just trying to fix a big freaking problem. Leave the poor bastard alone.) Instead of dwelling on that, I'm going to write about something completely frivolous: picking up chicks at bars.

I have never had the "privilege" of picking up a chick at a bar. I was and continue to be very awkward, but I was also lucky enough to be cornered by a beautiful blonde woman at a Halloween party a few years ago and have been off the market ever since. However, I do spend a decent amount of time at bars, and I have overheard a fair amount of pick-up conversations in my time.

Last night, a friend of mine and I went to a bar on Broadway to celebrate the fact that he was just cast in a show (I'm sure I'll be plugging it on this blog within a month or so) and whilst we were celebrating I was privileged to overhear possibly the most desperate pick-up conversation I've heard in a good long while. Far be it from me to make fun of a desperately lonely man looking for love at a sports bar - my woman whacked me over the head with a bottle of vodka and dragged me home. However, I would like to share some humble observations on what does not work when trying to extract "them digits:"

A: Ditch the whole pick-up line thing. I have never seen one actually work. Personally I think the sure-fire pick-up line is a myth.

B: Try not to use the word "fuck." Typically, the more you casually toss the "F-bomb" around, the less likely you are to leave the bar with anyone but yourself. You don't necessarily need to be the perfect gentlemen, but you should probably keep the profane cretin inside on the first conversation.

C: If you're going to ask a woman questions, be sure to actually listen to her answers. This is a good conversational rule in general. People typically love to talk about themselves, but they love it even more when you look like you're paying attention.

D: Don't overdo the compliment thing. One compliment is nice. Two compliments is also nice. An hour long diatribe extolling the beauty and virtue of a woman you don't even really know is not only desperate sounding but also a little bit creepy. Unless you are a world-renowned poet of some sort, in which case you might be able to pull that off, just settle on one good compliment and be done with it.

E: You don't need to go for the proverbial home run on the first swing. It's okay to settle for just a phone number.

F: Finally, when the woman says "Okay, let's take a break; you go over there and I'll stay over here," you're pretty much done for the night. At that point, you should go regroup and rethink your approach.

If anyone has any suggestions on what works and what does not work, go ahead and leave a comment in the comment section.


GW said...

I was once on a plane and overheard a conversation that taught me several important lessons. If you just met your seatmate on this flight and you want to say something like, "Hey, I'm at the Radisson, so if you want to come by and have sex, no strings attached, feel free," try to save it until the plane has landed and the aisle is empty enough that you can escape as soon as she says "no". Otherwise it will bring an otherwise very pleasant plane ride to a screeching awkward halt. AND, if she does say "no" (and she probably will) and you sense some awkwardness (and you probably will), when you're walking down the corridor, vary your pace so you're not walking side-by-side with her once she is clearly done talking to you.

Unknown said...

See? This is why I opened up the floor. I've just learned so much.

Mambolicious said...

Thanks for the laughs! I'm really enjoying your writing. You're nuts, you know..

Anonymous said...

OK, Nat, who are you to say what types of women are the most desireable? There are plenty of women out there, the ones with really low self-esteem, that would love a compliment-a-minute type of guy. There are others who have dirty mouths themselves and may appreciate a guy who can keep up. Just because you prefer a woman who can hold her own in an intelligent conversation, does not mean that type of mate is right for everybody. Get off your relationship high-horse and just settle like the rest of us.

Unknown said...

Dear ex-pod-buddy,
You are making the assumption that only attractive women have high self-esteem, that only attractive women are creeped out by creepy compliments and that only attractive women are turned off by profanity, which is not true. The piece was intended more as an indictment of boorish men than anything, but my experience from overhearing these conversations has been that most women (regardless of whether or not I find them attractive) are typically turned off by these five or six things. Booya.

Crump said...