Yesterday in my post I used the term 'wont' (as I am wont to do). A friend of mine, Patrick, informed me that I had mispelled the word, that what I meant to write was "want," and that the sentence didn't make any sense. When I told him that wont is indeed a word, a vicious email exchange ensued. Here is the entire email string from that exchange.
From: Patrick
To: Nat
Makes no sense. I understand that it is a word, but the fragment is poorly worded. Please consider revising.
Patrick
From: Nat
To: Patrick
Please consider learning to read first and then I will consider looking at the sentence again and determining that I am indeed correct.
Nat
From: Patrick
To: Nat
Please start at stage one. Consider reading:
1.) Where the Wild Things Are
2.) The Giving Tree
3.) Where the Sidewalk Ends
That way, you can understand how to form a sentence.
Patrick
From: Nat
To: Patrick
Patrick,
Thank you for providing me with your reading list for the next two months. I found the list to be quite illuminating. I am also glad to see that The Giving Tree is on your list of personal favorites.
I might recommend adding a dictionary or a style manual to your personal library or at the very least taking a course in English grammar. You may find that those scary words and sentences are no longer so scary once you have learned to understand them.
I wish you much luck on your quest to learn the proper usage of your own language.
Sincerely yours,
Nat
From: Patrick
To: Nat
Nat,
That is actually not my current reading list, but one that I had when I was at your intellectual level. Once you read these, as I did when I was five years old, you may find that you get a free personal pan pizza at your nearest Pizza Hut. Secondly, they place a gold star on a ribbon that you get to wear around all day so that others can participate in your progress.
I wish good luck and good eating.
Patrick
From: Nat
To: Patrick
Dearest Patrick,
I do not mean to nitpick, however I feel obliged to inform you that “I wish good luck and good eating” is not a proper English sentence. Had you included a valid direct object – for example “I wish her good luck,” or “I wish it good luck” – your sentence (and I use the term sentence lightly) might have made sense.
I suppose had you taken second grade English class, you might have caught that little faux pas (which is a recognized English noun despite the fact that it sounds French). As it stands, though, your last email was nonsensical. Although I do enjoy Pizza Hut from time to time.
Again, I would like to recommend that you consult an English language style guide.
I wish you luck in your endeavors.
Definitions
Direct Object: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/direct%20object
Faux Pas: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/faux%20pas
Sentence: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sentence
Sincerely,
Nat
From: Patrick
To: Nat
I am glad that my incorrect sentence fragment caught your eye, but it was only a test to see if you are actually mentally inept. When I was reading your blog, it struck me as odd that you would use such a ridiculous fragment. Congratulations, you have the mental abilities to learn from your errors.
Enjoy the pizza and please visit my cubicle when you wear the ribbon.
In Christ,
Patrick
From: Nat
To: Patrick
Brother Patrick,
Pardon my insistence on pressing this matter further, but am I to understand that you are now claiming that you were simply attempting to test my knowledge? Given your prior inability to understand perfectly legitimate sentences (per your “mentally inept” misunderstanding of the original sentence in question) I find this to be hard to believe. I am reminded of what the Ancient Greeks called hubris which loosely translates to excessive pride or arrogance. I believe you may be exhibiting some excessive pride in your refusal to admit that you are functionally illiterate.
To paraphrase an ancient Hebrew (the traditional language of the Jewish people) proverb, “pride goes before the fall.” I am also reminded of the seven cardinal sins, one of which is superbia – the Latin (the ancient language of the Romans) word for pride. As one “In Christ” I might remind you, despite falling prey to the mortal sin of pride, that “to err is human” and that salvation lies in humility. That being said, I would be delighted to accept your forthcoming apology on this issue and would be more than willing to accept a Pizza Hut dinner from you as a sign of recompense.
Big Words
Hubris: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hubris
Apology: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/apology
Recompense: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=recompense
Yours truly,
Nat
From: Patrick
To: Nat
Nat-
I believe it was Socrates (Greek Philosopher) who once said “True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us.” As well as…. “One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.”
I am starting to regret posting these due to my lack of confidence in your ability to process information. It pleases me that you are knowledgeable of the “Ancient Greeks”. That being said, may I be so kind as to describe this as ‘learning to run before you walk.’ I suggest that you read the book list provided and meet with me in the conference room during our mutual lunch hour. That way we can have time to discuss in great detail the common themes these gems of literature provide.
As for my “In Christ” acknowledgement, I was simply observing the mere fact of how precious the learning process can be. I remember my timid days at the Pizza Hut with my kind mother holding my hand and giving me the nod to ask the attendant for a pride-filled personal pizza with sausage. I will, in turn, hold your hand as we embark on this journey of ‘literature’ and ‘sentence structure.’
Keep your chin up,
Patrick
From: Nat
To: Patrick
Pat,
I appreciate your ability to find quotes from famous people on wikipedia.org. It is a pity that the two quotes you provided state essentially the same thing, however I suspect with time and experience you will learn not to irritate people with needless repetition.
I see now that you are incapable of seeing the error of your ways. I wonder if perhaps you have been blinded by your own ignorance. As such, I will discontinue this dialogue with you, opting instead to remind you that you suck and that you smell bad. I will leave it at that.
Incidentally, I noted your desire to hold my hand, that you are preoccupied with “sausage” pizza, and that you have strangely fond memories of physical contact with your mother. While I do not swing that way and will not be responding to your veiled advances, I would like to recommend that you contact a Freudian analyst to work out your mommy sausage issues.
I wish you luck in your endless pursuit of eternal damnation through the sin of pride.
Happy hunting,
Nat
From: Patrick
To: Nat
Nat,
The only thing that I can imagine that is more disgusting then the sexual drives of my mother is a violent image of you having sex with a clone of yourself. Seeing your gyrating hips would honestly make me want to vomit multiple times.
Those quotes were similar due to the fact that two of them would help you register the point clearer, you simpleton.
I am always right.
Patrick
From: Nat
To: Patrick
Pat,
I already told you that I’m not continuing this dialogue and oh, by the way, nobody likes you.
Nat
From: Patrick
To: Nat
I am going to sit on your face and fart.
Patrick
And that is what I do with my day.
2 comments:
so this is what you do at work.
Boobs
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