Monday, October 15, 2007

Visitors from Around the World!

Hello members of the global community,

Until recently, I thought that there were only three people reading this blog. Now I know that there are at least SIX, three of which do not live on this continent. How do I know these things? Because I'm tracking each and every person reading this blog. Don't ask me how. It's a secret which I choose to take with me to my grave.

Well, ok: it's a little program thingy called sitemeter.

Today, as a de facto ambassador to three other countries, I would like to take this opportunity to thank my "global viewership" by honoring the countries whose citizens accidentally ran across my website while looking for pirate porn.

Hello, Greece! One of your children in Athens stumbled across my little blog and spent a grand total of 5 seconds on my site. I would like to say "welcome" to you, my Athenian friend, and thank you for your interest. I too am interested in your lovely country! I think that most of your food is delicious. I particularly enjoy your lamb dishes. I never would have thought that I would like lamb - they seem too cute to be delicious. You guys proved me wrong - your propensity for eating cute things has opened my eyes. I also hear that you guys have loose wardrobe requirements on some of your beaches in the islands. I hope that one day I can return the favor and visit you and your many beautiful islands. I dream of spending my afternoons at your nude beaches (fully clothed, of course, to spare everyone the site of my gargantuan penis; but I will be sporting a large pair of binoculars) ogling the German tourists while sipping some delicious Ouzo and eating stuffed grape leaves.
Hello, Sweden! One of your residents in Stockholm seems to be interested in stories about men buying panties. Hey, whatever floats your boat (I'm envisioning a viking longboat here - correct me if I'm wrong). I must confess that I do not know much about your country, other than that you guys make wooden floors and Ikea furniture. I have one of your chairs in my tiny studio apartment right now. The chair has a name, but I can't remember it off the top of my head. Something elaborately Swedish. I just call it "Chair" if I ever need to address it in polite conversation. I would be more than willing to spend some time learning about your (presumably) lovely country - particularly if you guys have nude beaches.

Brazil: I don't know who among you is visiting my site (someone from Sao Paulo), but I absolutely refuse to advertise their custom-made T-shirt company on my blog. I don't care how many nude beaches you may have, or how enticingly attractive your Amazonian women are. I categorically refuse to advertise anything on my site unless you are willing to pay top dollar (or whatever your Brazilian currency is) for the space. That's just the way I roll. And if you as a country have a problem with that, then you can go to hell. Also, I hate your flag. There. I said it.
In closing, I would just like to say "Thank you" to all the foreigners out there who have visited my blog (except for you, Brazil) and would like to encourage you to come again. Tell your friends, too. And tell Kazakhstan that I miss them terribly.
Oh Kazakhstan!


Anonymous said...

were you using the rule of 3's in regards to nude beaches?
*gigantic buttface

Crump said...