Thursday, October 25, 2007

"When People Stop Being Ugly"


The staged reading for Robot vs. Dinosaur is tonight at the uptown writer's space. See the left hand column for more details. If you're not already doing anything, come hang out.

And now...

First, I want to apologize for not writing anything since Monday. I have been too busy over the past couple of days with contemplating the future!

Specifically this article from the BBC News website.

For those of you who don't have time to click on the link or for those of you who have an irrational fear and/or hatred of the British, I'll summarize: basically the human race is heading in two different directions. One half of the race can look forward to evolving into an ultra tall, attractive race of super intelligent uber-yuppies. According to the article:

"Physical appearance, driven by indicators of health, youth and fertility, will improve... while men will exhibit symmetrical facial features, look athletic, and have squarer jaws, deeper voices and bigger penises.

Women, on the other hand, will develop lighter, smooth, hairless skin, large clear eyes, pert breasts, glossy hair, and even features...."

The other half... well, not so much. You remember Gollum from the Lord of the Rings movies? That'll be you, other half. Better start checking the rental listings for caves.

How long before the rest of us can expect our symmetrical facial features, pert breasts and gargantuan penises? Why, just a mere 1,000 years!

All of this courtesy of the evolutionary theorist Dr. Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics. That's right; somewhere someone is handing out doctorates for people to sit around and think about what people might look like thousands of years from now.

Curiously enough, I have recently been doing my own evolutionary theorizing and am working on publishing my own treatise on the future of humanity. Here's a brief excerpt from my forthcoming book, entitled "When People Stop Being Ugly."

It's a working title. Here's the excerpt:

"In the not too distant future - relatively speaking, of course - the human race will finally shake off the chains of ugliness and step out into the sunlight of extreme attractiveness. All humans will finally have the opportunity to sport luxuriously smooth red beards regardless of hair color, although women will be discouraged from growing them over the first 3,257 years. By year 3,258 the notion that bushy red beards are desirable regardless of sex will finally gain widespread acceptance. Also, men will be tall (~6'4") and sport an incredibly sexy beer belly. Women will finally grow that third breast we've all been waiting for. Childrens' vocal chords will not develop at all until the age of thirteen."

I would go on but (a) I don't have the time or the space on this page to include all 453-plus pages of the treatise and (b) I don't want to give too much away for free. I'll be charging money for this scientific brilliance, thank you very much.

I wonder if the London School of Economics could use another doctor...