Thursday, November 15, 2007

Nat Topping's Olde Fashioned Winter Almanac

Well, I woke up this morning and left my apartment and lo and behold it was 40 degrees outside (Fahrenheit, not Celsius). It's okay, though, because with the windchill it was a nice, comfortable 30 degrees out.

That's right, faithful readers. November is most definitely here.

As I was walking to work this morning, my face flushed from the cold winds, I passed by many a disappointed worker in the same boat as me, the look in their eyes chillier possibly than the weather. The question ever present in their minds, I'm sure (because I'm a freaking mind reader) is, "How long must we endure this intolerable cold weather?"

Well, not to fear little work-force member. Because the Nat Topping's Olde Fashioned Winter Almanac is here to provide you with much needed answers.

The Nat Topping's Olde Fashioned Winter Almanac has been published continuously since 1653, when great-great-great-great grandfather Nat Topping (he was really great) crossed the Atlantic in a floating shoe box and landed on the shores of Maryland. Using a combination of astrology, observation of solar flares and deep conversations with various native species of bird, we are able to accurately predict (accurately meaning anywhere between 20-100%) the coming winter weather. While normally the NTOFWA is sold for a farthing, three pence and a shilling, today I will offer you a taste of it for free in the hopes of upping subscription numbers to more than just one:

Nat Topping's Olde Fashioned Winter Almanac (Abridged):

November 15th-22nd - November arrives like an unwanted relative for Thanksgiving Dinner. Expect temperatures between 30 degrees and 50 degrees. Time to break out some of your sweaters, but you can leave the really ugly ones in the closet.

November 29th-December 13th - The first snow of the year! People's ability to drive their cars drops drastically to the level of thirteen-year-old drivers with the first sign of flurries. Children watch the morning local news in vain for notice from the schools of that first snow-day.

December 21st-25th - All of that glorious, wintry snow melts, thereby making the popular song "White Christmas" once again cruelly ironic. General depression sets in as people open their holiday presents and find yet more ugly sweaters.

January 1st-13th - The weather seems strangely mild, hovering around 37 degrees Fahrenheit, thereby denying children their snow-days for two more weeks. Little children across the country pray to their respective Gods for snow.

January 14th - The children get their wish, WITH A VENGEANCE! Four feet of snow blanket the entire country, even southern California (who mistake the snow for cocaine falling from the sky). The temperature plummets, thereby making it dangerous for children to even leave the home. The inadequacies of the country's snow removal infrastructure are once again revealed. Time to bust out the ugly sweaters. Remember to send a thank-you note to your great-aunt.

February 1st-15th - Tundra. The outside world becomes a wasteland. Unfortunately, there are no snow-days for grown-up people. The nation once again collectively curses the entire month of February. It is discovered that the Groundhog has skipped town and now lives in the Cayman Islands.

March 5th-12th - The outside world resembles a polar ice cap. No hope in sight for warmth any time soon.

March 13th-21st - Still no hope.

March 22nd-30th - Come on, for chrissake it's Spring already! Stop with the snow!

April 1st - The Weather Channel reports that the weather will warm significantly today, providing everyone with their first glimpse of Spring. It is revealed the next day that this forecast was an "unintentionally" cruel April Fool's Day joke. An angry mob storms the Weather Channel main office and burns it to the ground.

April 7th-13th - The sun finally shows its face. Inexplicably, the weather becomes even colder. Widespread despair and panic ensues.

April 17th-23rd - Finally the tundra begins to thaw. Expect seasonable weather. People dress in shorts and T-shirts, even though it doesn't make any sense, because they are so happy that the temperatures are now above 30. Life resumes as normal. Sacrifices are made to various Gods. Summer bikini-dieting begins.

April 29th-30th - One last catastrophic snow storm before the season ends. Expect three feet of snow in most parts of the country. With this last storm out of the way, people can look forward to catastrophically hot summer months.

I hope this helps. If anyone would like to read in more detail, please mail a farthing, three pence and one shilling, plus shipping and handling, to my palatial winter bunker in the beautiful Yucatan peninsula c/o Juan Topping. Gracias.