That's right, ladies and gentlemen. I have decided to finally throw my hat into the proverbial ring. Provided the AD and the President of the school make the correct decision, I should be coaching the Michigan Wolverines to greatness next year.
Some of you other coaches may question my credentials. I understand your trepidations, considering I have never actually played football on the college level. However, there are all sorts of head coaches who aren't qualified for their jobs but end up getting them anyway, so I wanted to provide you with some facts.
FACT#1: While a student at the University of Michigan (that's right, athletic department, I'm a Michigan man) I attended every home game except for one in my four years. The only reason I missed one was because I had a show the afternoon of the game, which I know sounds lame but I think it was a really good show. I have also watched numerous away games in bars and living rooms across the country, and even saw one Rose Bowl game live (which Michigan lost due to no fault of my own) and also visited Notre Dame for one away game (which Michigan lost, again, due to no fault of my own).
FACT#2: Despite my lack of experience in playing the physical game of football (unless you count intramural flag football, which I do), I do have three months experience playing college football video games and am able to defeat any opponent, even Texas, by at least 70 points (on the easiest difficulty setting). My running backs also routinely run for several thousand yards in a year and win the Heisman trophy, so you have that to look forward to.
FACT#3: I can be very loud and angry. This will come in handy during practices (which I plan to run through my coaching staff) and in shouting at the refs during games. I also have practiced by angry hand gestures a lot and believe that I can truly convey my disgust to the refs in a very eloquent manner.
FACT#4: Having recently been in college (a couple of years ago) I can relate to the college aged recruits. This should give me an edge over other coaches because I can party with the best of them, although after midnight I start to get sleepy if I've had too much to drink.
FACT#5: I like blowing whistles and look good in hats.
Finally, I have absolutely no qualms about working for a measly $1.5 million a year and can promise you that, should the athletic department offer me the job, I am most certainly willing to leave my current position to take the Michigan job (unlike Les Miles and that guy from Rutgers who recently turned down the job). Money is no object.
So, Alma Mater, I hereby grant you permission to begin contacting me. I am available nights and weekends or during weekdays you can leave a message on my cell and then I can call you right back, I promise. I would be willing to meet anywhere for an interview, formal or informal, though if you wish me to come to you, you'll need to pick up the cost for my plane ticket since I am saving up to buy Christmas presents.