Monkey Sex

There are two types of scientific studies in this world: (1) There's the type of scientific study that advances mankind, leads to the creation of some sort of new dazzling technology or cures horrible diseases; and (2) There's the type of scientific study whose only purpose is to end up on some jackass' blog somewhere.

Case in point on point number 2: Read this article courtesy of MSNBC. Go ahead and read it. It's not that long, and it's about monkey sex - specifically about the lengths male monkeys will go to in order to obtain it. I'll still be here when you get back.

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Everyone on the same page? Good.

How does this study serve mankind? Apart from inherent entertainment value, it doesn't. Will monkey sex lead to the creation of a new dazzling technology? Probably not although, if it does it's bound to be truly dazzling. I'm almost certain it's not going to cure any diseases though.

Then why even undertake the study? Because I like to read about sex. Especially bestial sex. And I particularly love it when I can draw some tentative parallels, however trivial, to our human experience.

According to the study: "...after a male grooms a female, the likelihood that she will engage in sexual activity with the male was about three times more than if the grooming had not occurred."

I did a little extra research on the subject and found a couple of pieces of information not included in the article.

For instance, a female macaque monkey is five times more likely to engage in sexual activity with a male who purchases a pomagranet-flavored martini for her, and seven times more likely with a male who listens and is attentive to her needs.

Also, a female macaque monkey is only one third as likely to engage in sexual activity with a male monkey who plays Everquest, an online fantasy role-playing game, then she is with monkeys who play rugby with ex-college roommates on a semi-regular basis.

Surprisingly, a male macaque monkey's propensity for flinging poo at zoo visitors has no affect on their sexual desirability for a female monkey. However, 75% of female macaque monkeys polled answered that they are less attraced to male monkeys who smoke tobacco products than to male monkeys who simply chew gum.

I plan to do some additional research on my own, which I will publish in my upcoming book, "Making it: Monkey Sex and Modern Man," coming soon to your nearest major book retailer.