My fellow Americans, ladies and gentlemen,
As all of you may know, today is the first Tuesday in February, which is an incredibly important day for us this year in this shining beacon of democracy (or rather democratic republicanism) that we call the United States of America. Today is the day when we the citizens (of legal age) of this great land of ours all come together from across the nation and perform perhaps our most sacred acts.
Those acts, of course, are the consumption of fatty pastries and red meats, the imbibement of alcoholic substances and the flashing of ones breasts in exchange for colored plastic orbs on strings.
That's right, baby! Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday, Carnival!
This is "supposedly" your last chance (if you're Catholic) to act like an asshole before Lent starts. Even if you're not Catholic, it's still a good random excuse to party it up. Otherwise, you'll have to wait until St. Patrick's day for another culturally sanctioned excuse to get drunk and act slutty in public.
So I would like to take this opportunity to remind all (three) of you readers out there that it is your civic duty today to get your asses out onto the streets and start making asses of yourselves. Drink it up, eat the hell out of something and start harrassing random people on the streets.
Also, vote in the primaries, if applicable to your state.