Wednesday, April 9, 2008

What's Your Perversion?

Yesterday's article on Nazi death-camp themed sex orgies really got me thinking (you're surprised, I know): how do these rich old perverted white men even have the time to come up with these creepy scenarios, given that they are often captains of industry, celebrities and racing magnates? These are busy people, after all. How do they manage to run their busy lives and yet still devote the necessary time and energy to dreaming up their deviant bacchanalians? Wouldn't it be much easier to just pay millions of dollars for someone, some sick bastard, to sit around all day and dream up utterly disgusting yet deliciously arousing creep-fests?

Enter Nat Topping with the answer, baby.

I'd like to offer my creative services to those of you rich fuckers looking to grab five or more hookers for some demeaning good times. I will dream up a disgusting orgy tailor made to fit your particular fetishes.

Here are a couple of examples, just off the top of my head. See if any of these interest you, you sick fuck:

The Mongol Horne

You are dressed up as a medieval Russian peasant circa 1235 AD. You are stranded in a field and forced to do hard labor (really HARD) when suddenly, on the horizon, you see ten horsemen approaching. As they get closer, though, you see that they aren't horsemen at all, but ten classy prostitutes wearing long Fu Manchu-style moustaches. They circle around you, hurling big pink dildos at you until they finally run out of pink dildos. Then, they dismount and start to savagely beat you as you cry out for more, but in Russian. They then make you drink horse-milk straight from the horses' teats as they continue to savagely beat you, grope themselves and perform various sex acts on the horses. From there, the passion overtakes you as videographers capture every sweaty, stinky moment.

The Monkey Cage

You are dressed in a large monkey costume, trapped in a cage with fifteen classy prostitutes who are also dressed in large *sexy* monkey costumes. You have been eating nothing but bananas for the past three hours and you and the prostitutes have been crapping up a storm. The cage is starting to feel cramped and pretty soon you accidentally infringe on one of the prostitute monkeys' territory. Well, that just does it. The proverbial powder keg explodes, and suddenly fifteen monkey hookers attack. They scratch at you as they force to you scream "I'm sorry" in monkey-speak over and over again. Pretty soon, they are throwing their own poo and stripping, performing various sex acts on each other. From there, the passion overtakes you as you begin to engage in bestial monkey sex. Videographers are on hand to capture every furry, poo-filled moment.

The Nine Circles of Sexy Hell

This one is still in R&D, so I'm still working on the specifics, but here's what I have so far: you are Dante on a quest for heavenly pleasures. But in order to get there, you must pass through the Sexy Inferno, which is nine levels of sexual torture. Basically, it's going to be a giant pit with nine levels down to the bottom, and on each level will be some horrendously grotesque yet sickly erotic task: being whipped with horse testicles or being forced to swallow and pass a chain of pleasure beads, etc. I'll have to come up with a couple more. In the last task, though, you end up at the bottom of the pit where thirty-seven classy prostitutes are dressed up as different Popes from throughout history. They are wading in a gigantic pool of rancid human feces, in the middle of which is buried a golden key that unlocks the door to the way out. However, in order to get the key, you must have sex with all thirty-seven Popestitutes until they either drown in the lake of rancid human feces or pass out from exhaustion. Obviously, at this point the passion overwhelms you as you fight your way out of hell with nothing but your own pecker to save you. Videographers will be in waders waiting to capture each and every horrifying moment of disgusting pleasure.

In return for your millions of dollars, I will not only dream up these sexy nightmares for you but, with expense money, coordinate the construction of facilities, hiring of "talent" and production of each and every deviant sex orgy. I will even be sure to release a copy of the sex tape to a media group of your choice free of charge.

Any takers?


Anonymous said...


I'm certain this post will end up causing quite a stir in Google searches everywhere.


Anonymous said...

I have never been more proud to call you my friend than at this moment. :)

Seoulcially Akward Nessie said...

Popestitute. Ha!

Anonymous said...

I realize this is too old for anyone to read, except for Nat and his sitemeter buddy, but gee golly gawdam if I didn't have a great idea for a perverted sex orgy.

You are told by a very classy prostitute dressed as a Red Cross worker that someone you care very deeply about (also a very classy prostitute) has just been badly injured in a car accident. You must save her life by donating blood. You are strapped to an uncomfortable piece of reclining patio furniture and a very classy prostitute tries to find a vein in your arm, which proves to be unsuccessful. You are spanked for having bad veins, and the other "nurses" gather around and conclude that the blood must be drawn from your wiener.

As you lay there, tired and woozy from the toll that blood donation takes on people, other classy prostitute blood donors and blood drivers perform various lurid sex acts on you. Once a pint has been collected, you are given a sticker that says "First Time Donor", with the "D" crossed out and a "B" written over it, just as a stupid sex joke. Then you each cookies and juice off of a classy prostitute posing as a table of food. At the end they donate your blood to an actual victim of whatever accident was caused as a result of the staged orgy. (Did I mention it is done in the middle of an interstate highway, thus causing serious traffic jams and possible collisions?)

Drivers in cars capture every moment on their cell phone cameras.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Looks like someone has a nurse fetish.