That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Internet Addiction.
As it turns out, I myself am addicted to the Internet. Ironically, I was blissfully unaware of my condition until I was surfing the Internet this morning and happened upon a website describing Internet Addiction.
I use the Internet all the time. I use it for work, for personal email, for checking sports scores, finding information about local restaurants and events, keeping in touch with friends and family members, and for porn. But is it possible that this is truly an addiction?
"Internet addiction -- an online-related compulsive behavior that interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones and work -- is a psychological and behavioral problem that is spreading around the world, experts say."
Oh no! Experts say?! Why then it must be true!
This is not my first addiction. I was addicted to the game Snood when I was in college. I also am currently fighting an addiction to Cheez-it crackers and I have even been known to occasionally 'crave' White Castle double cheeseburgers which, I am told, is also an addiction. In fact, for a long time I've suspected that I'm addicted to addictions. This new-found Internet Addiction just adds fuel to the fire.
But what can I do? Surely there must be a drug or something that I can take to cure me of this addiction, right?
"There are no real drugs for this yet..."
Yet? YET?! But what am I going to do now, while I wait for the Pharmaceutical companies to cash in on this new 'condition?' Am I to just sit here and continue using the Internet completely and entirely against my will, all the while knowing that I'm suffering from a horrid addiction?! Surely there must be something you can do to cure me of this Internet contraption over which I have absolutely no control.
"...It's not about medication, it's more about therapy."
Oh thank God. At least there's therapy. At least I can pay someone to sit down and offer me gems of wisdom like "Don't use the Internet so much," or "Maybe take a walk or something today." Oh what a relief. Maybe if I'm lucky, someone will let me pay them hundreds of thousands of dollars over the course of my lifetime to help me avoid the scourge of Internet Addiction.
"This [problem] can reactive itself any time if a person does not keep working on the recovery," said Moore. "We see recovery as a lifelong endeavor."
I'll bet you do, Moore. I'll bet you do.