Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians

First of all, I wanted to say thank you to all of those visitors who came here looking for news on Richard Simmons' impending run for Congress. Feel free to browse, take a look at some other non-Richard Simmons' content, and leave a comment or two if you like.

For those of you who haven't read, evidently Richard Simmons' Dalmatian dogs are like oracles, who impart wisdom on those seeking to make big life decisions and need solid advice that they can trust. With that in mind, I've created a new feature on Clever Title called...

ASK RICHARD SIMMONS' DALMATIANS

This week's request comes from Amy of Checotah, OK. Amy writes:

"Dear Richard Simmons' Dalmatians,

I have two dates lined up for tonight and I'm trying to decide which boy to go with.

On the one hand, there's Ryan. I've known Ryan since we were little kids, and he's finally gotten up the courage to ask me out to the church social. We've been friends for a really long time, and I know that Ryan is really going places. He's Varsity track and he's smart, he has a 3.4 GPA.

On the other hand, though, is Dax. Dax has a motorcycle and I once saw him punch a guy in the face and he broke the guys nose and knocked out his front four teeth like it was nothing. He drinks hard liquor and swears a lot, and I'm not sure how old he is although he looks like he's early thirties maybe. He wants to take me to a bar - he says he knows the bouncer who can get me in - so that he can show me what a mechanical bull is like.

I don't know what to do. I really really like Ryan, but I really really like Dax too I think. I'm all torn up inside. What should I do, Richard Simmons' Dalmatians?

Sincerely,

-Amy
Checotah, OK

Thank you for your question, Amy. I've asked the Dalmatians, and this is their response:

Amy,

Go with Dax. He's going to rock your world and Ryan sounds like a pussy. You can sober up in your 30's just in time for Ryan's first divorce.

Fuck yeah,

-Richard Simmons' Dalmatians"

So there you go. If you have a question for Richard Simmons' Dalmatians, please leave it in the comment box. If you're lucky, maybe we'll pick yours for the next installment of Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians.