Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians Will Be There 'Till the Open Bar Closes

For those of you who haven't read, evidently Richard Simmons' Dalmatian dogs are like oracles who impart wisdom on those seeking to make big life decisions and need solid advice that they can trust. With that in mind, I've created a feature on Clever Title called...

ASK RICHARD SIMMONS' DALMATIANS

This week's request comes from last week's comment box. Anonymous writes:

"Dear Richard Simmons' Dalmatians,

This wedding season I've noticed there is a popular trend among couples-to-be creating a website of themselves for invited guests, their family and friends. Is this couple-site thing exclusively married people specific or can I start one with my boyfriend? Could I make a website including myself and someone I want to be my boyfriend? Would that work? What do you think? Also, I like presents a lot and so would having a gift registry on my boyfriend and my site be acceptable or just tacky?
Thank you tastemakers!

-Anonymous"

"Dear Anonymous,

Good lord, you ask a lot of questions.

Thing about the Internet is you can put whatever the hell you want up on the site and nobody can say anything. Nat gets away with that crap all the time here. So, as far as we're concerned, knock yourself out. The wannabe boyfriend thing is a little creepy but so is Dicky's website (we call him Dicky).

If you put up a fake gift registry, are you going to get free stuff from people? Doubt it. People like cake and open bars, and that's why we all go to weddings. And you can't go to a wedding without giving the Excuses a consolation gift. We say if you want free shit, do what everyone else does: get married, throw a party, and then five years and two children later you can break it off and start all over again. Repeat until necessary amount of free shit has been accumulated.

It's a time honored tradition, babe.

Fuck yeah,

-Richard Simmons' Dalmatians."

Questions? Concerns? Leave them in the comment box! Who knows, you may see your comment next time on Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians.

A Little Bit Busy Today...

...but I don't want to leave you all hanging without something to show for it. So here's a delightfully inappropriate and awkward news article, courtesy of my buddy Patrick. It's short, I promise.

Oh Matthew McConaughey's Mom, you vixen!

Enjoy!

Wait, Badminton is an Olympic Sport?

For someone who has barely watched any Olympics at all this year (not that I'm boycotting per se so much as don't have television), I've talked about it a surprising amount. I guess this is testament to the ridiculousness that ensues when you get people together from all over the world.

This latest bit is courtesy of Cuba where apparently a Cuban taekwondo athlete kicked a ref in the face.

Not that I blame anyone for accusing China of fixing the Olympics or anything. Their women gymnasts were all 12 year old girls crossbred with Spiders, and their Gold Medal Men's Singles Badminton player (that's an Olympic sport?) turned out to be a robot.

Still, when you need freaking Fidel Castro to vouch for you, you know you probably did something ridiculous.

This should also teach all of you young parents that taekwondo is probably not the best anger management lesson for your children.

"Eat your vegitables!"

WHA-CHUNK!

One of my favorite parts of the article is when Castro blames the lack of Olympic-caliber Cuban boxers on "the repugnant mercenary actions" of promoters. By "repugnant mercenary actions," Castro clearly means such actions as 'owning your own iPod' and the promise of 'not living in freaking Cuba.'

Oh Cuba. When will you ever learn?

Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians In China

For those of you who haven't read, evidently Richard Simmons' Dalmatian dogs are like oracles, who impart wisdom on those seeking to make big life decisions and need solid advice that they can trust. With that in mind, I've created a feature on Clever Title called...




ASK RICHARD SIMMONS' DALMATIANS




The past two weeks have been very special for Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians, because the Dalmatians are in China judging Women's Freestyle 55kg Wrestling. As such, they have been unable to provide advice. However, I did receive a post card from them just the other day that I would like to share with you now:




"Dear Clever Title,

In China judging Olympics. This country is crazy! Food here not so good, but at least we're still on the 'eating' side and not the 'eaten' (watching our step just in case). Also, Great Wall... not so great. Hung out with Spanish basketball team the other day. Those people are hilarious. Anyway, gotta run. Judging Russia vs. Georgia in Womens' Wrestling. Wanna bet who wins?


Wish you were here,


-Richard Simmons' Dalmatians


P.S: Michael Phelps is a total dick."


Isn't that sweet?



Questions? Concerns? Leave them in the comment box! Who knows, you may see your comment next time on Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians.

Sports Curse #2 - The Return of Sports Curse

For those of you who don't know, college football is only 11 days away.


Given that we have yet another sport's season starting up, I figured I would go ahead and drag out a little used feature of Clever Title called Sports Curse.


For those of you who need a refresher on Sports Curse, click here. Essentially, since I can't seem to mention a sports team on my blog without them tanking badly (see Michigan's Appalachian State loss of last year) I've decided to use the power of this blog for evil only.

~~~*~*~*~~~

Some of you may be surprised at who I've picked, given my own college football team preference.


I am not cursing Notre Dame. No, their coach Charlie Weis has already done that for them. (Side note, did you know that Charlie Weis earned a bachelor's degree is speech and drama from Notre Dame? What does that tell you?)


Nor am I cursing Ohio State. The reason for this is two fold: (1) when my chosen team beats them again, it will be so much sweeter knowing that they did so without the benefit of a curse, and (2) they can't seem to win the National Championship anyway despite making it to the game twice in a row.


I briefly thought about cursing West Virginia, as payment for a long and drawn out contract dispute regarding a certain coaching hire. But that team will likely collapse in on itself within two years. If it hasn't, I'll consider imposing a curse.


No, I've decided on a completely different team from all of these. So here it is, friends.


SPORTS CURSE #2 - The USC Trojans



"The Trojans are, like, totally awesome because they're always like the best at everything they do and they're like super talented and guess what, they get to live in Southern California which is, like, totally super cool. And even though they're only ranked, like, 3rd in the AP poll which has to be the lowest they've been ranked in like years or something, I totally think they're going to win another National Championship because Pete Carroll, who's like their totally hot coach, is super awesome."


MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

I'll Just Stay in the Room and Watch Maury, Thank You

I had gone my entire young life without ever seeing a live Elvis Impersonator until these past four months, over the course of which I have seen two separate Elvis Impersonators.

The first Elvis Impersonator was at our new office's opening party in May. It was about as strangely awkward as I could have imagined. One minute I was at the make-shift bar getting a glass of Cabernet (I've fooled my coworkers into thinking I drink liquids classier than Pabst Blue Ribbon), the next minute an Elvis Impersonator walked out of the elevator and lo and behold Elvis had entered the building in all of his hip-shaking glory.

It was the kind of hokey fun that lasts thirty minutes and then proceeds to get old very quickly.

The second fake-Elvis sighting occurred over this past weekend, while I was visiting my Grandmother in the nursing home. My mother and I walked in to the building atrium to find, sitting next to a flight of stairs, a gaggle of elderly residents (and yes, gaggle is the correct term) clapping along to a life band complete with Elvis Impersonator.

My mom and I joined my Aunt Denise and my Grandmother on the balcony overlooking the band. After the initial shock had worn off of seeing fake-Elvis teasing the old ladies with a scarf, my Aunt asked us to take a moment and appreciate the vocal quality of our Elvis Impersonator.

He was quite possibly tone deaf. The higher notes, while valiantly attempted, were beyond the poor guys range. In short he was terrible. To the point of comically terrible. But seriously, really really bad.

While watching my Grandmother, a captive in her own wheelchair grimacing at every false note of quite possibly the worst rendition of "Suspicious Minds" anyone's ever heard, I felt very very sorry for her and I wondered what sort of fate awaits me in the nursing home of the future.

What Kind of Self Respecting Evil Empire Cheats at Gymnastics?

Under normal circumstances I wouldn't give a damn about this little scandal. The only difference now is that:

1. This happens to be an Olympic year, which is the only time when anyone actually cares about Gymnastics.


2. China is the last big (evil) Communist country.


3. I haven't written anything since Tuesday and I am desperate.

But regardless of whether or not you think China is evil there's no way in hell that this chick is 16 years old. I mean, look at her.

I'm no creepy perv, but come on. Even I can tell that's jailbait. By the way, her eyes are closed because it's way past her bedtime.


Who cheats at Gymnastics?


Is there a prize that I'm unaware of for getting the most medals at an Olympics? Do you get like an extra vote in the Security Council or 10% off your meal at the UN cafeteria? If that's the case then maybe I could kind of understand cheating in your own Olympics by entering underage wunderkids. Kind of maybe.


But Gymnastics?


Oh China. I shake my head disapprovingly at you.

Sporadic and Insufficient

Am I talking about my sexual capabilities? No, although I have certainly been accused of them before.

No, I'm talking about my potential blogging time for this week. As it turns out, this is a busy week for yours truly. I'm covering for someone at work while they are out on vacation, I have a wedding to go to this weekend, a show to help write for Robot Vs. Dinosaur and, oh by the way, my lease is ending soon and I need to find somewhere to live.

So I've got a little bit of a full plate.

This doesn't mean I won't be blogging this week. It just means the posts might be few and far between.

Please don't hate me.

Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians Lets a Little Kink In.

For those of you who haven't read, evidently Richard Simmons' Dalmatian dogs are like oracles, who impart wisdom on those seeking to make big life decisions and need solid advice that they can trust. With that in mind, I've created a feature on Clever Title called...


ASK RICHARD SIMMONS' DALMATIANS


This week's request comes from last week's comment box. Pat Sinclair of Omaha, NE writes:

"Dear Dalmatians,

I have a friend who praises pornography and every afternoon explains his fascination of this perversion. His incessant habit of informing his peers of his afternoon plans to dive into the dark side of the world wide web makes others around him feel uncomfortable, including myself. How can I explain this to him without hurting his feelings?

-Pat Sinclair of Omaha, NE"

"Dear Pat Sinclair,


Sorry, do we not live in America? Is this Communist Russia or something?


Look, the naked human body is natural and beautiful. Who wouldn't want to watch streaming video of someone filming themselves while taking a poo on a beautiful, natural naked body? And it's only natural to talk about how awesome that is and to share the good word with your friends.


There's no better way to spend an afternoon than talking about that shit.


You could man up and ask your friend to stop talking about it, but really you're in the wrong here, so our advice to you is get over it and just let a little kink into your life.


Just let a little kink in.


Fuck yeah,


-Richard Simmons' Dalmatians."



If you have a question for Richard Simmons' Dalmatians, please leave it in the comment box. If you're lucky, maybe we'll pick yours for the next installment of Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians.

To Kwame Kilpatrick in Jail

8/7/2008



Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick
Jail
Detroit, MI



Dear Mayor Kilpatrick,

My name is Nat Topping. I am originally from the Metro Detroit area (Clarkston) and now live in Chicago, IL. I spent the majority of my life in Michigan and am proud of my home state.

However, as an ex-pat Metro Detroiter living in what is widely regarded as a much nicer city, I am often forced to defend my home city from it's horrible reputation. I'm constantly suffering jokes about violent crime, about the People Mover, and about the fact that the Tigers can't beat the White Sox lately to save their souls. Why, just last night I saw an improvised show set in Detroit (as requested by the Chicago audience) that featured homeless people living in washers and dryers.

In short, Detroit has enough problems on it's own.

So now that you will be spending the night in jail tonight because you violated the terms of your bond (you remember that you are currently being charged with perjury and obstruction of justice, right?) to leave the country (yes, Canada is another country), I thought you might take a moment to reflect on your present situation.

I don't know if they allow browsing the Internet while in jail, but if they do I might take a look at your Wikipedia entry (ah Wikipedia, the source of all knowledge) just as a refresher. Even before you get to the parts about how you allegedly used city funds to finance vacations to five-star resorts or to lease a Lincoln Navigator; the part about how you allegedly gave jobs to friends and family members who falsified resumes and then raised their pay every year while laying off more than 4,000 non-relative city workers and 1,000 police officers (which, given that the city has a reputation for crime, might not have been the best idea); or the part about how you allegedly conspired with your chief of staff / extramarital lover to have the Deputy Chief of Police fired and then covered it all up; before you get to any of that take a look and realize that nearly 2/3rds of your entry is Criminal Controversies.

You think maybe you might want to stay in town for a little while until this whole criminal thing gets resolved?

Everything else you've allegedly done is somewhat understandable. Hey, you're corrupt and you're in office. Of course you're going to steal a Detroit Police Department motorcycle and ride recklessly around the streets. Of course you're going to hire family members and give important city contracts to cronies. Of course! You're mayor of Detroit.

But you can't follow a simple instruction from a court of law, which is this: 'While you are on trial, you may not leave the city without first giving the court 48 hours' notice for business travel.' You can't even give the court 48 hours notice? Seriously?

That's not even corrupt, that's just ridiculous stupidity.

Now, I don't expect you to resign for the good of the city. I expect that they will have to forcibly expel you from office using pitchforks and torches. You are clearly mad with power and also obviously you are ridiculously stupid. That's fine.

My recommendation though, for the good of the city and for all of us living elsewhere who are still kind of proud of where we are from, would be to stop adding stupid things to what is already a long list and just let that whole trial thing play out. It's hard enough defending the D without having to explain to people why you're in jail.

Sincerely yours,

Nat Topping

Buried Under Email

Out of office sick on Monday + No Internet at office for first 3 hours of work day = 200+ Emails! Hooray!

In lieu of something interesting today, how about a picture of some Australians making fools of themselves?

HOORAY!!

My Lungs Say Ouch

If you're wondering where I am and why I'm not posting something marginally interesting, I'm at home today coughing my lungs up. Good times. Talk to you tomorrow, when I hope to produce something more than phlegm.

Ew.

Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians Gets Seasick

For those of you who haven't read, evidently Richard Simmons' Dalmatian dogs are like oracles, who impart wisdom on those seeking to make big life decisions and need solid advice that they can trust. With that in mind, I've created a feature on Clever Title called...

ASK RICHARD SIMMONS' DALMATIANS

This week's request comes from Phillip of Chicago, IL. Phillip writes:

"Dear Richard Simmons Dalmatians,

Thank you in advance for answering this question.

This Friday, I am going on a company sponsored cruise on the Lake Michigan shore front as a sort of bonding event. I like boats and the water, so I have been looking forward to this little excursion for weeks. However, the other day I overheard some people referring to this bonding event as a "Booze Cruise!"

I have never been one to shy away from a good time - a few months ago I was the king of the party at the neighborhood Book Fair - but Booze? On a boat? During the day? I have to tell you that I'm a little concerned. What if things get a little out of hand? What is the best way to come out of this "Booze Cruise" without jeopardizing my job?

I earnestly await your response,

-Phillip of Chicago, IL"

"Dear Phil,

Never pass up free booze. Ever. If you're worried about losing your job, keep in mind: the boss can't fire everybody. So, as long as you're making sure everyone else is drinking just as much as you then you should be fine. Also, don't puke on the boat.

Go get your drink on, Philly.

Fuck yeah,

-Richard Simmons' Dalmatians."

Also, a bonus letter:

"Dear Richard Simmons' Dalmatians,

I'm in a bit of a pickle. Every day I visit Nat Topping's blog, but some days after reading it, I just feel awful, like someone has taken my skullcap off and covered the top layer of my brain with 2-day old, browning guacamole. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Craig Squendling"

"Craig,

Ger your head out of your ass. That should solve your problems. Good luck with your blog.

Fuck Yeah,

-Richard Simmons' Dalmatians."

If you have a question for Richard Simmons' Dalmatians, please leave it in the comment box. If you're lucky, maybe we'll pick yours for the next installment of Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians.