Thursday, August 7, 2008

To Kwame Kilpatrick in Jail


Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick
Detroit, MI

Dear Mayor Kilpatrick,

My name is Nat Topping. I am originally from the Metro Detroit area (Clarkston) and now live in Chicago, IL. I spent the majority of my life in Michigan and am proud of my home state.

However, as an ex-pat Metro Detroiter living in what is widely regarded as a much nicer city, I am often forced to defend my home city from it's horrible reputation. I'm constantly suffering jokes about violent crime, about the People Mover, and about the fact that the Tigers can't beat the White Sox lately to save their souls. Why, just last night I saw an improvised show set in Detroit (as requested by the Chicago audience) that featured homeless people living in washers and dryers.

In short, Detroit has enough problems on it's own.

So now that you will be spending the night in jail tonight because you violated the terms of your bond (you remember that you are currently being charged with perjury and obstruction of justice, right?) to leave the country (yes, Canada is another country), I thought you might take a moment to reflect on your present situation.

I don't know if they allow browsing the Internet while in jail, but if they do I might take a look at your Wikipedia entry (ah Wikipedia, the source of all knowledge) just as a refresher. Even before you get to the parts about how you allegedly used city funds to finance vacations to five-star resorts or to lease a Lincoln Navigator; the part about how you allegedly gave jobs to friends and family members who falsified resumes and then raised their pay every year while laying off more than 4,000 non-relative city workers and 1,000 police officers (which, given that the city has a reputation for crime, might not have been the best idea); or the part about how you allegedly conspired with your chief of staff / extramarital lover to have the Deputy Chief of Police fired and then covered it all up; before you get to any of that take a look and realize that nearly 2/3rds of your entry is Criminal Controversies.

You think maybe you might want to stay in town for a little while until this whole criminal thing gets resolved?

Everything else you've allegedly done is somewhat understandable. Hey, you're corrupt and you're in office. Of course you're going to steal a Detroit Police Department motorcycle and ride recklessly around the streets. Of course you're going to hire family members and give important city contracts to cronies. Of course! You're mayor of Detroit.

But you can't follow a simple instruction from a court of law, which is this: 'While you are on trial, you may not leave the city without first giving the court 48 hours' notice for business travel.' You can't even give the court 48 hours notice? Seriously?

That's not even corrupt, that's just ridiculous stupidity.

Now, I don't expect you to resign for the good of the city. I expect that they will have to forcibly expel you from office using pitchforks and torches. You are clearly mad with power and also obviously you are ridiculously stupid. That's fine.

My recommendation though, for the good of the city and for all of us living elsewhere who are still kind of proud of where we are from, would be to stop adding stupid things to what is already a long list and just let that whole trial thing play out. It's hard enough defending the D without having to explain to people why you're in jail.

Sincerely yours,

Nat Topping


Anonymous said...

Forget your run for President in 2040 for the moment, I think we have a viable candidate for Detroit Mayor in the next decade. Gotta start somewhere, right?

Nat for Mayor!

Unknown said...

I could do no worse. Follow up question, are you trying to get me out of Chicago?

Anonymous said...

You gotta leave eventually if you are going to be the Prez. Unless you move the White House to Chicago.

Can I pick you Detroit Mayor campaign theme song?