Friday, September 12, 2008

Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians Takes Shit From No Fan

For those of you who haven't read, evidently Richard Simmons' Dalmatian dogs are like oracles, who impart wisdom on those seeking to make big life decisions and need solid advice that they can trust. With that in mind, I've created a feature on Clever Title called...


This week's request comes from Reginald of Grosse Point Farms, MI. Reginald writes:

"Dear Richard Simmons Dalmatians,

I am an avid fanatic of a specific college football team, whose name I will not reveal now for the sake of annonymity. This upcoming Saturday, this particular college football team travels to a certain other college football team's stadium in Indiana to do battle with the "Fighting" other college football team. I've managed to procure two tickets through a friend of mine and was planning on attending, properly outfitted in merchandise bearing the logo of my chosen college team.

However, upon expressing my enthusiasm to other friends, I was informed that these other fanatics, who follow the "Fighting" other team, can sometimes be less than hospitable to fanatics of my particular football persuasion. They even told of a certain instance involving my friend's grandfather, a bucket of raw egg yolks and a small battering ram.

This disturbs me greatly as I had planned on inviting my father along, who is getting up there in years. I fear for his safety.

Do you, Dalmatians, have any advice for how to handle the potential ribbing, good natured or otherwise, that we may experience in Indiana? I await your reply.

Sincerely yours,

Reginald, Grosse Point Farms."


As far as we know, there are two ways to deal with asshole taunters and one sure fire way to make things worse.

One way to deal is to just ignore them. The way you write, Grosse Pointe, sounds like you're probably that kind of guy. Ignoring them makes the whole taunting-the-other-guy's-fans thing no fun, which usually means the taunters go back to drinking warm yager and shouting "Rudy" at the top of their lungs.

The worst thing you can do, though, is respond and then try to ignore them. That shows weakness. It means you're bothered by the taunting, but you're too chicken shit to fight. You may as well paint a target and then curl up on the ground.

No, either ignore them or, our personal favorite, bring down the law vigilante style. We're not talking about shouting insults back and forth about who has the better running back. We're talking about bullrushing the bastards at the first sign of an insult and causing physical and psychological pain. Do it even if you're outnumbered because, let's face it, they've probably been drinking out of a left-over keg since 8:30 AM. They'll be surprised as hell no matter what you do. And I think it's the kind of thing that will help keep your team's honor in tact.

Fuck yeah,

-Richard Simmons Dalmatians"

Questions? Concerns? Leave them in the comment box! Who knows, you may see your comment next time on Ask Richard Simmons' Dalmatians.

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