So apparently while I've been busy worrying about moving, recovering from sudden illness and producing a sketch show, something funny happened to the economy.
I'm no economist, but this seems to be the deal: Democrats are blaming Republicans; Republicans are blaming Democrats; home owners are blaming the Wall Street Fat-Cats for strong arming them into crazy loans so that they could buy houses they really couldn't afford in the first place, and the Wall Street Fat-Cats have absconded to various tropical locales to live out their days sipping Strawberry Daiquiris poolside. The Government's response to the crisis has been to give several hundreds of billions of dollars that they don't have to various companies in the hopes that the stock market numbers go up again, while simultaneously giving back tax money to the citizens so that they can still buy iPods.
The lesson here for everyone would seem to be something along the lines of DON'T BUY SHIT THAT YOU CAN'T AFFORD, YOU JACKASS but nobody wants to hear any of that foolishness.
In short, we're probably pretty screwed here.
So, given the economic instability of the times, I would suggest that we all start investing immediately in the future.
I'm not talking about Warren Buffet buying stocks during a Wall Street sell off style investing.
I'm talking about hoarding books on the history of rudimentary agriculture, buying case after case of bottled water, constructing bunkers in the backyard, and learning how to throw a spear while running really fast.
Personally, I am looking for a place to buy chickens so that I can start breeding them. I figure once the monetary system collapses and paper money becomes completely worthless (currently the majority of my wealth is represented by little numbers on a computer hard drive somewhere - meanwhile the freaking wireless card on my laptop decided to quit of its own volition, thus breeding confidence in the power of technology), I'm going to need something real to barter with. And that something real is going to be eggs, feathers and delicious chicken meat.
I've begun taking longs walks around Chicago to scout areas that will be both suitable for farming and easily defensible from wild animal attacks and marauding brigand hordes. Also, I'm spending a lot of my free time cutting trees into big posts so that I can build an effective palisade when the time comes. Also, I'm learning how to make smoke signals.
I figure if I start now, I'll have a better chance of surviving the riotous collapse of society. This will put me in a better position to one day become the warlord I've always dreamed of being.
Vote Nat Topping for Warlord, 2014!