Monday, December 8, 2008

Key Problems

I've had more freaking key problems with this new apartment... I swear to God, it's getting ridiculous.

When you move into an apartment building, you expect to get three keys maximum: the main building key, your apartment key, and your mailbox key.

When I first moved in to the new apartment two months ago, I was given two keys: a main building key and an apartment key. It took me about two weeks to get a mailbox key.

Then I realized that the back door to my apartment, which opens out to a stairwell down to the alley behind my apartment, and my apartment key do not like each other. Turns out that back lock is a different lock from my apartment front door lock. I've asked for a key to that back lock, only to discover that nobody, not even God and management themselves, have a key to that lock.

I tried to use the laundry room once, only to discover that the passageway to the laundry room has it's own separate key, but that the laundry room itself uses the main building key. It look me a month to get the key to the laundry passageway. Once I managed to get in to the laundry passageway, I discovered that my main building key does not work in that lock.

Also, the laundry room has a total of two washers and two dryers for the whole building. Also, the laundry room itself is a disgusting hellhole that falls apart around you as you are trying to do your whites. I have since given up on ever using the laundry room.

The lock on the main door to the apartment building was unreliable, meaning basically broken. As a result, Katie and I once came home and found a homeless man sleeping in front of my apartment (as in, the door to my apartment specifically on the third floor). We kicked him out and then I called my building supervisor to let her know and to ask her if they were going to change the lock or something so that, oh I don't know, maybe next time I come home there won't be some random dude sleeping in front of my door. She said no, not necessary, people just needed to make sure that the door was closing all the way when they entered the building and that there was no need for a new lock.

Instead, she put up laminated signs in the entry way asking people to close the door behind them. Problem solved.

So let's recap: one lock into the apartment building which is broken and can be jimmied by homeless Bob, one lock into my apartment from through the front door, one lock to my back door for which nobody has a key, one lock to the passageway that goes to the shitty laundry room for which I finally got a key, one lock into the shitty laundry room itself in which my main key theoretically works but practically speaking does not, and one lock to my mailbox key which took me two weeks to get.

Yesterday evening I decided to leave my apartment to get some milk. I wanted to eat a delicious bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. As I was leaving the building, I noticed that the lock was shiny and new looking.

Oh joy, I thought, they finally fixed that broken lock that was letting homeless people into my apartment building.

And then I thought, You know, I wonder if my building key will work in the new lock.

Of course not.

So I called my building manager and asked, Hey, did you guys change the lock or something?

Yes, she said, But your key should still work. It's the same lock.

Really? Because guess what? It doesn't.

Fuck, she said (at least I think - the building manager has an accent from generic Balkan country), I have to make a list of people who need new keys.

Great, so what do I do tonight to get back into the sheltered warm place where I sleep?

Oh don't worry, there's a key in the mailbox where you leave your rent (which is two apartment buildings down from where I live). Get the key from the box and use that. Only you need to return it right away so that other people can use it to get into their apartments.

When do I get my new...?


You motherless bastards.

The main apartment door slams shut after you enter, so it's not like I can unlock the door, leave it open, return the key, come back and get in to the apartment building. So, last night, to get into my apartment, I had to go grab the key, enter the apartment building, go to my apartment, unlock the back door to my apartment from the inside (for which, remember, nobody has a key) return the key, enter my apartment through the back stairwell, and enter my apartment through the door that I have left unlocked. I can accomplish all of this provided that everyone else who needs to get in to their apartment puts the key back where everyone can get to it.

I have to do all of this to get into my apartment. I may as well have a retina scanner too and maybe a hallway full of booby trapped plates that shoot poison darts at me.

And given my building manager's track record, I can expect a replacement key hopefully in the early portion of the new year.


Seoulcially Akward Nessie said...

oh man, i had a somewhat similar experience (yet nowhere near as bad) with my gate the other night. bastards.

Crump said...

Maybe the guy at your door wasn't homeless. Maybe it was someone from the future that came to find you because you are the chosen one and only you have the power to stop whatever it is that needs to be stopped so our future isn't a bleak pile of ass. You ever think of that? Of course you didn't - no one ever does. Well if the future goes to shit I know where my finger will be pointing.