Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Senate Sweepstakes!

This may come as a surprise to those of you who are not news junkies, but here in Illinois we have a little bit of a political scandal going on.

Oh my God, political scandal?! In Illinois of all places?! The left side of my body is going numb!! Are those pigs flying past my window?!

Quit freaking out. I have a solution.

You see, when Senator Obama was elected to be our next President he was forced to give up his seat in the US Senate. He's so dreamy I don't know why he couldn't just be President and Senator which would solve everything (make it a new position; call it Presidor or Sentadent) but hey, I don't make the rules.

Because of this, there's now an open position that needs to be filled. And, by law, it must be filled by the Governor of that Senator's home state.

Okay fine, so we'll just have our decent law abiding Governor pick someone. Done.

Except, as it turns out, Illinois' Governor is none other than Rod Blagojevich who is unfortunately an allegedly corrupt asshole. The kind who allegedly tries to sell the highest profile political appointment in the history of democracy to the highest bidder. Allegedly.

So now nobody knows what to do with the Senate seat. The state Republicans want a special election because they feel its the best way to respect our democratic institutions (AH HA HA HA HA HAAA!!!) and because they want the seat. State Democrats want the Governor - a Democrat - to keep the right to appoint the Senator knowing full well that he's going to pick a Democrat or they want assurance that some Democrat somewhere gets to make the choice.

And Governor Rod just wants to be bribed.


So here we are, Republicans want a contest, Democrats want a Democrat, and Rod wants money. What do we do?

Spectacle, baby. Spectacle.

I propose we have a contest. Five contestants. Entrance fee of 50,000 unmarked Euros in small denominations to be paid to Rod Blagojevich upon applying. The five contestants must take part in a series of challenges - things like who can filibuster the longest or who can cave in to political pressure the quickest or who praise Wall Street with the prettiest language - after which the voters of the state will vote one contestant out of the running.

Once we are down to two contestants, Governor Blagojevich will then choose whichever one is a Democrat. If both are Democrats, he will choose whichever one has given him the most in campaign contributions over the past five years.

The winner will then be appointed Senator for the Great State of Illinois and will be charged with the duty of protecting Illinois' interests in the senate and also will be asked to do everything he can to secure a pardon for Governor Rod Blagojevich.

Everybody wins! Hooray!

All we need now is a title. Any thoughts?

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