Friday, January 30, 2009

Office Asshole

Somewhere in this office lives an office asshole. This person is probably hiding in the shadows of one of the dark cubicles on the other side of the office, sneaking back and forth from public space to public space, performing unspeakable terrors.

Anyone who has worked in an office knows the office asshole.

The office asshole is the one who does not know how to work the coffee machine. He or she always puts so much water in that the coffee overflows onto the burner, creating that awful burnt coffee smell.

The office asshole is the one who takes the cheese off of that last piece of communal pizza, but instead of throwing the slice out leaves it in the box for the next person.

This is the same office asshole who leaves one quarter of a doughnut for the next coworker to stumble upon in the breakroom.

The office asshole is also the person who never learned how to use the bathroom properly. It is because of the office asshole that we are forced to attend ridiculous meetings like the one I experienced on Wednesday about not urinating all over the men's room. The office asshole is also responsible for attrocities that take place in the ladies room - attrocities so horrifying that I dare not mention them on this blog.

The office asshole cleans no dishes.

The office asshole leaves left over Thai food in the fridge for three and a half months.

The office asshole took that coke out of the fridge; the coke that you were saving for this afternoon; the one that you've been looking forward to all morning.

One day I will find the office asshole. And once I do, I will destroy him/her.

3 comments:

Crump said...

Depending on the size of the office there may be more then one. When I worked in collections people had their lunches stolen out of the lunchroom fridges all the time. But with the high percentage of heartless, no conscience bastards that work in collections I'm not that suprised

Anonymous said...

it was meeeeee!
except i'm not the office asshole, i'm the 'asshole specifically searching for ways to make nat miserable.' my, that coke sure was delicious!

seriously, though, i'm pretty sure that i was the one who fucked up the coffee maker, but i'm innocent as far as everything else goes.

Nat Topping said...

...and of course you post anonymously.

Watch out, asshole. I'm coming for you.

...That didn't come out quite like I wanted.