Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Swine Flu? What Kind of Name Is Swine Flu?

I have a hard time believing that the creature responsible for the wonder that is bacon could also be responsible for anything remotely bad. But, if these "doctor" vagabonds are to be believed, that noble animal also harbors disease so devastating that it can threaten to unseat Ms. California as this month's Queen of the Network News.

In light of the current threat of a potential pandemic, the World Organization of Health (wait, who?) would like to pass along some guidelines for the proper handling animals. Why are you getting this information from Clever Title and not from a more "legitimate" news source?

Because those legitimate news sources are going out of business at an increasingly rapid rate. And I'm still here. Because nobody would pay me to write this filth anyway.

And now, without further ado or self-aggrandizement:

WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION'S 8 SIMPLE TIPS FOR NOT CONTRACTING SWINE FLU, THAT NEW FOUND SCOURGE THAT MUST BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY DESPITE A SEMI-RIDICULOUS NAME
  1. Wash Your Hands. A lot. And not just with soap. The WOH recommends a mixture of soap, Simple Green, citric acid and vodka.
  2. The above is also a Kentucky Derby cocktail.
  3. Try not to cough on anyone. Or if you do, cough into a a rag. Then take the rag and burn it. Then put the ashes in a container and bury it. Then salt the area where you buried the container.
  4. Also, please don't spit in anyone's mouth. First and foremost because it's disgusting.
  5. Do not kiss pigs, hogs, boars or anything resembling a pig. If you must do so, please ensure that the pig, hog or boar on the receiving end has been properly tested for the swine flu (as well as for various other communicable diseases and STDs). Do not succumb to pressure from the pig, hog or boar to ignore these precautions, particularly if they claim to "really love you." Remember, this is your health we're talking about here, not some who-loves-who contest. If this remains a problem, you may have to break off your relationship. There are plenty of pigs in the sea.
  6. Why are you dating that pig anyway? You are much better than that.
  7. Don't get sick.
  8. Finally, do not make fun of the swine flu. We are very serious.

4 comments:

GW said...

Do you mind if I write a scene that's heavily inspired by, and with some lines being stolen whole-hog from this entry?

Nat Topping said...

No problem. Just be sure that candied almonds in a paper cone show up somewhere in the stage directions.

GW said...

I most certainly will. Although I expect they will be edited out in performance.

Nat Topping said...

Or in production, naturally.