Thursday, July 9, 2009

Generic News Broadcast About the Death of a Celebrity

...Thanks, Dick. Here’s hoping that sports team of ours can learn how to score some points. Otherwise we’re in for a long, long season.

And now, we turn to a more tragic note with the passing of a beloved celebrity. Veronica is live and on the scene. How’s it going, V?

Please don’t call me V. I’m here at the home of the beloved celebrity, who was pronounced dead earlier today upon arrival at the city hospital. This city is still stunned and shocked at the news, with the people on the street trying to cope with the loss of this well loved and beloved public figure who we all loved.

"I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like I lost an important family member. Like an uncle. Except, not related to me. At all. And also, I never met the celebrity in person. So, maybe like a second uncle. Or third. A third uncle who I never met who died and to whom I never got to say goodbye. It’s very tragic."

Tragic indeed. Cause of death has not been determined yet, but we have not yet ruled out murder, suicide, overdose from various legal or illegal substances, sudden heart failure, sickness of various types, random circumstance, lightning, assassination, act of God or old age. The police have yet to comment, other than to state that the investigation is ongoing, that they still need to speak with some people close to the situation, and quote: “get out of the way and let us do our jobs, you vultures.”

Meanwhile, the outpouring of shock and grief from fans around the world has been sizable, with various demonstrations celebrating the life and achievements of this well loved celebrity despite the incredibly controversial life the celebrity lead. We may never know the complete circumstances surrounding this shocking, grieving, tragic, surprising, unanticipated, tragic and otherwise tragic event, but what we will always remember is the way we felt.

"I mean sure, the celebrity might allegedly have slept around on the spouse, or allegedly physically battered innocent victims, or allegedly molested things, or allegedly laundered money or allegedly got involved in some shady business deals, or allegedly cheated in some way, shape or form, or allegedly lived an awful awful life behind closed doors, but what I do know was that this person was famous. And I will always remember them for that.

"Wait, who are we talking about again?"

Thanks, V.

Don’t call me that…

What a shocking, tragic story. Stayed tuned after the broadcast for the first in a series of thirty two-hour specials documenting the life, times, death and reaction to the subsequent death of this important celebrity.

Coming up next, an important politician resigns from office. Find out why, and what effect this might have on her slutty painted-whore children. But first, an unnecessarily loud commercial.

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