Thursday, November 19, 2009

A Letter to a Moron: Concerning Coffee

Moron,

Today I went to pour myself a cup of coffee from the office coffee machine to find that a beautiful dark brown liquid was, as if by some unnatural force, already pouring out of the spout.

I know, right? It doesn’t make any sense! How could a coffee pot, which is not people, be pouring coffee from itself without even tipping itself over? It flies in the face of everything you think you might have learned in science class, right?

Well, Moron, I’ll tell you how that happened. YOU decided to brew a pot of coffee into a coffee pot that ALREADY HAD COFFEE IN IT. And when there’s more coffee than there is room in the coffee pot, it starts to pour out of the pot and onto the kitchen counter and then the floor. This is not an unnatural force as it turns out – it’s basic common sense.

So that beautiful dark brown liquid you desperately wanted to make? It’s all over the freaking place.

Don’t worry, Moron. I cleaned it up for you. Again.

Can I make a suggestion though, Moron? Next time, before you start making a new pot and you think you’re doing everyone a favor because we can all enjoy a delicious cup of your coffee, CHECK TO MAKE SURE THE COFFEE POT IS EMPTY FIRST. That way, the rest of us aren’t cleaning up after your inability to perform basic functions like making coffee and thinking.

Nice job, asshole.

Sincerely,

Nat Topping

P.S. I hate it when people write things in caps. I felt like I had to, Moron, because you are a moron. So now I’m pissed off that you made me do something I hate doing.

P.P.S. Fuck you.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Please allow me to retort and explain my actions:

Daaaaaah... dirp? Durka flarnk.

Cordially yours,
-Moron (who was somehow hired at an Inc. 500-ranked company)

Anonymous said...

time to switch to decaf, angry caps nat. just think though, isn't it better to have a coffee pot peeing its own coffee on the floor than a coworker who pees into the coffee pot?

Joe Janes said...

I really don't see the problem here, Nat. Most people would relish having fountain of coffee. It's like Willie Wonka took over your break room.

JC Miller said...

Sort of a catch-22 isn't it? I make coffee in the morning because I'm usually not awake enough to figure out how to make a cup of coffee.

Chris Othic said...

I want you to write a letter to Moron more often.

Nat Topping said...

Joe: It doesn't count if there are no Umpa Lumpas.

Jesse: JESSAAAAHHHH!!!!

Chris: Will do.