Monday, November 30, 2009

My Theory for Otherwise Unexplainable Traffic Backups Caused During Holiday Traffic

Crossposted to the Robo-blog.

The highways are crowded with holiday traffic, meaning there is an above average amount of cars travelling in the same space.

In Car#1: Idiot Driver is attempting to text a friend for a football score. He stops texting for a moment so that, phone in hand, he can pick his nose. Instinctively his foot, realizing that this is not the safest maneuver in the world, steps lightly on the brakes. That way if Idiot Driver does anything idiotic to cause an accident it will be done at a lower speed, thereby increasing the idiots chances of survival.

In Car#2: Aggressive Driver is tailgating Idiot Driver because she is in a hurry to get off the road. Aggressive driver is forced to hit the brakes to avoid accidentally driving up Idiot Driver’s tailpipe.

In Car#3: Slightly Irritated Driver must apply the brake as well. This causes Slightly Irritated Driver to become slightly irritated.

In Car#4: Over Reactive Driver sees Car 4’s brake lights come on and instantly slams on the brakes, momentarily stopping the car. Over Reactive driver swears, and then apologizes to the passengers, including four young kids, for the foul language and hard stop.

In Car#5: Mildly Unfortunate Driver must swerve off onto the shoulder to avoid hitting Over Reactive Driver, who has overreacted to the situation.

In Car#6: Car 6 Driver brakes to a slow crawl due to the shenanigans that just occurred in front.

In Car#7: Car 7 Driver must brake to avoid hitting Car 6.

In Car#8: Car 8 Driver brakes.

In Car#9: Car 9 Driver brakes.

In Car#10: Car 10 Driver brakes.

In Car#11: Car 11 Driver brakes.

In Car#12: Irrationally Angry Driver screams about how traffic has slowed down for no apparent reason. This makes Irrationally Angry Driver unpleasant to be around until thirty minutes after the end of his drive.

Irrationally Angry Driver curses the existence of whoever caused this random traffic backup. Meanwhile, Idiot Driver continues to text and pick his nose, blithely oblivious to the eleven other cars behind him.

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