This Weather Is All My Fault

Yesterday morning when I left for work I discovered a thin layer of snow on the ground. This was to be expected, as it is December in Chicago after all and December tends to be when this whole winter thing gets going around these parts. Unfortunately, I neglected to wear my boots – a somewhat ragged but nonetheless trusty pair of boots – and so I was stuck with my tennis shoes for the day. Which was inconvenient.

This morning when I left for work I discovered that there was no snow on the ground, that it had in fact melted and that the only form of precipitation was a slightly irritating light sleet. The weather pattern had clearly been altered as this morning is now obviously warmer than yesterday morning. I wore the exact same coat, hat and scarf. The only difference? I was wearing my ragged yet trusty pair of boots instead of the tennis shoes I wore yesterday.

Since the weather was so drastically warmer this morning as compared to yesterday morning, I am left to conclude that the reason for this warming is the fact that I am wearing my snow boots.

How is this possible? I would assume this phenomenon operates under the same principles as the fact that it is less likely to rain if I’m carrying my umbrella or that it is more likely to rain if I’ve had my car washed recently.

I am therefore convinced that these boots – the ones I am currently wearing – can only be dangerous for the likelihood of a nice snowy winter and that for the sake of everyone I must explore alternate methods of covering my feet for the next couple of months. For anyone interested in having a quintessentially picturesque winter replete with snowy evenings gathered around the hearth sipping hot chocolate, I would be happy to take suggestions / donations.

Please leave your information in the comment section and I will contact you.

Together, we can save winter.


####Editor’s Note 1:30 PM *: Since the original writing of the above piece, it has since come to this publication’s attention that the aforementioned ‘light sleet’ has since turned to legitimate snow. The author of the above has since released a follow up statement, which has been published below.####

Reader:

I realize that this afternoon would appear to be closer to the weather one might typically expect for this time of year – namely, temperatures in the 20’s to 30’s and snow. I would like to assure you that we are still in danger of an ugly, slushy, imperfect winter due to my defectively ragged and evidently unlucky boots. If anything, the fact that it is now snowing in Chicago illustrates the kind of imbalanced weather normally associated with the drastic changes caused by my boots. Rest assured that the trend established by my findings over the past two days will resume soon if someone doesn’t buy me a new pair of boots. Please leave your contact information in the comment section if you wish to save winter.

Sincerely,

-Nat Topping, Expert

* Yes, Clever Title now has a made up Editor.