Thursday, February 25, 2010

A Raging Case of the Hornies

Imagine my surprise when I turned to the front page of today’s interweb to find that Tiger Woods is in trouble!

Scandal, right?!

I know, I just blew your whole world apart by dropping this juicy little piece of gossip on you. I never would have suspected either, even after months and months of vaguely hearing his name around but not really paying attention to the specifics or to whatever has been going on around me. Speaking of which, anyone know when the Hindenburg is supposed to land stateside? I fancy a scenic ride on a dirigible. I hear those Germans make excellent dirigibles.

Anyway, apparently Mr. Woods is a sex addict. Not only that, but it’s ruining that traditional time-honored monogamous baby-making sacrament of marriage.

Add one more to the “list of diseases I’d like to have.” And yes, I have a list called “Diseases I’d Like to Have.” That’s probably a disease now too, right?

This begs the question, “How do I, Nat Topping, know if I’m a sex addict?” I like sex. As a concept, I think it’s very attractive.

I’m pretty sure I’m not a sex addict, though. I’m getting exhausted just thinking about all of this.
But how do you, my attractive and well sexed readership, know if enough is enough? The CNN-dot-com has an article that provides a list, along with the woeful story of a man who “suffers” from this addiction. “Oh, you poor man. I feel really bad for you. We, the rest of manhood, are not at all jealous of you and completely sympathize with your plight. Please tell us your secret so that we can, er, avoid doing whatever mind-control magic you’ve been pulling all your life.”

Suffice it to say, I read CNN’s list, and I found that list to be completely inadequate. So I’ve created my own for you.

No, I’m no a licensed sex therapist. If you are looking for licensed anything then you’re at the wrong blog, buddy.

  1. Have you had sex before? This is a prerequisite, like how you can’t be a rocket scientist without taking introductory rocket class.
  2. Have you had sex multiple times? Also a prerequisite.
  3. Is your penis currently inside of something right now?
  4. Would you rather have sexual intercourse than eat a delicious warm corned beef sandwich on rye bread?
  5. Do you have plans tonight?
  6. Would you be willing to blow off those plans to watch your kid play violin in her first orchestra recital to have sex with me?
  7. Multiple times?
  8. Even once you start chaffing?
  9. Are you Tiger Woods?
If you answered yes to any, all or only one of these questions, then you may or may not possibly be a sex addict. If you answered no to any of them, then you are a virgin and deserve ridicule.

Happy humping, friends!

But not too much humping.

1 comment:

Chris Othic said...

I have a sex addiction, but nobody else will have a sex addiction with me.