I’ll Tell You What: CHUCK FREAKING NORRIS: For those of you LIVING UNDER A GODDAMNED ROCK, this past Wednesday marked the 70th anniversary of the day Chuck Norris shot out of his mother’s womb and began choking rattler snakes, fighting evil and wearing cowboy hats.
Chuck Norris has been the occasional subject of bloggage here at Clever Title, stemming from this post about his hypothetical Presidency of Texas. In honor of his birthday, there have been Chuck Norris facts walloping this Twitter thing (and in many languages, I might add). My personal favorite? “Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.” Winner of the Most Tasteless Award? “People seem shocked by Corey Haim’s death on Chuck Norris’ birthday. But Chuck Norris doesn’t gain years; he takes them. More to be found here.
Ride on, Chuck Norris, and godspeed.
While We’re On the Subject of Patriotism: (note, Chuck Norris = Patriotism) here’s a blog post by a sports blogger from my home state about how the Chicago Blackhawks’ National Anthem tradition must die. I’ve never been to a Blackhawks game, but I’ve heard that the National Anthem is kind of a cool thing – they have an Opera singer sing it, and the crowd gets into it and starts cheering and hollering and so on. According to this blogger, Rob Otto, this kind of enjoyment is disrespectful to the armed forces.
Far be it from me to defend a Chicago sports institution, but give me a break. Heaven forbid people actually express their pride in being American. Have you ever been to a sports event where everyone just stands around with their hand over the heart, shifting their weight back and forth, moving their lips like they’re singing but actually just wishing the game would start? Of course you have; that’s 99% of all sporting events.
People tend to equate quiet with respect. I don’t know. I’d rather people sing poorly, hoot and holler and enjoy themselves. This is America, goddamn it.
End digression. What else have we got?
Well, we’re out of Patriotism stuff. How about food?
I like food. What do you got?
Have you heard how New York is trying to Outlaw Salt? Oh great! While we’re at it, can we ban raw onions? And capers? Capers weird me out. I don’t know why. How about just getting rid of taste altogether?
I guess the next front in the continuing quest to outlaw fun, Felix Ortiz of Brooklyn has proposed legislation to outlaw “…salt in any form in the preparation of any food for consumption by customers…blah blah blah.” As anyone who has ever cooked anything would say “Are you freaking nuts?” Banning salt not only affects how salty your food tastes, but also makes the chemistry of baking impossible, as well as cheese. So, that asiago cheese bagel you had this morning, Mr. Ortiz? Doesn't exist.
How about we outlaw knives too, because they are sharp? And heat too, because sometimes food gets too hot and it burns your mouth?
Hey, want to avoid eating too much salt in your food? Don’t eat salty foods.
And Finally: “Sushi chef, restaurant charged with serving endangered whale.” I didn’t know endangered whales even ate sushi, much less went to restaurants. Wait, what? Oh. They served endangered whale to people. I see. Well, that’s not funny.
Not funny at all.