A Letter to a Moron: Concerning Coffee (Part II, How to Make Coffee)

Hi Moron,


Yes, I know that coffee seems like a magical substance. It wakes you up in the morning, and if you load it up with enough cream and sugar it doesn’t taste "icky." But realize that it’s not actually a magical substance and that any idiot can make it without destroying the office kitchen.

I know.  This is a surprise to you, Moron. Pick your moronic slackjaw up off the floor for a second, wipe up some of that drool before a person of actual value to the company slips on the physical manifestation of your incompetence, and we’ll continue.

Grunt when you're ready.

Making coffee is especially easy in this office, because our coffee machine was made so that a brain damaged freaking poodle can make a pot of coffee. Are you dumber than a brain damaged freaking poodle, Moron? Do you know what a poodle looks like? It’s the dog with the marshmallow poofs.

Here are the steps to making coffee. The following list assumes that you know the proper order of numbers, Moron, meaning that ‘1’ comes before ‘2’ and so on. If this is not the case, please let me know:

STEP 1: Make sure the coffee pot you’re using is empty. As you learned last time, if there’s still liquid in there then the new liquid will overflow onto the counter top and floor. While this principle is governed by physics, you don’t have to be a physicist (or a “physician,” as you call them, moron) to realize this.

STEP 2: Add a coffee filter to the coffee filter holder. These needs to be in there, so that when…

STEP 3: Put coffee grounds into filter… happens, the grounds don’t end up draining off into the coffee pot, thus making really really awful coffee. This step is particularly easy because the grounds come in a prepackaged bags. No measuring!

Once you have done STEPS 1, 2 and 3, you then PUSH BREW and WAIT FOR IT TO BREW.

It will actually say "Ready" when it's done brewing.  That, and liquid will stop pouring into the coffee pot.  That's two - count them TWO - clues for when you can start drinking coffee.

You don’t even have to add water, Moron! It does it for you! Isn’t that great?! It’s like we’re living in the Jetsons cartoon!

You don’t need to add water. You don’t need to measure the grounds. You don’t need to grind the beans. You don’t need to roast the beans. You don’t need to harvest the beans, or plant the coffee plants.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, MORON, IS COMPLETE FOUR SIMPLE FUCKING STEPS, and then POOF! Like magic, brown water appears in the pot without destroying the entire world. Follow these simple steps, and you too can be a contributing member of this little office society and not an asshole, which is what you are right now.

Sincerely,

Nat Topping

P.S. Fuck you.