Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Save the World: Parallel Park

You all don’t need me to tell you there’s a lot of hatred in this world. People kill, people lie, people cheat, people steal, people lie again, and then people go home and engage in sexual activity with your family members and call you up afterwards to brag about it. There’s a lot of anger out there.


No, you don’t need me to tell you any of that; you know it all already. But what if I told you I have a way to help ease some of that anger, some of that frustration? I’m not talking about solving everything. Just alleviating a little bit of the pressure so maybe one less person kills, one less person lies and steals, one less person engages in sexual activity with your family members and then brags about it. Hear me out, people:

Learn to parallel park.

I know it’s a pet peeve of mine.  But I’m telling you people, this is important.

Let me paint you a picture. Joe Everyone is trying to get to work. Joe is driving because he’s already running late. Joe gets to his place of employment, but it’s street parking only and there’s nowhere for Joe to park. He drives around for thirty minutes, desperately trying spaces that are just a little too small for his car. Finally, he parks way the hell away in a seedy neighborhood. While he’s walking from his car to his work, he passes by ten cars that left too much space in front of or behind them, meaning that if these a-holes had parked correctly there would have been room for another five cars. Joe gets to work late for the last time; Joe’s boss fired him.

On the long treck back to his car, he begins bashing in the windows on the poorly parked cars. He then goes on a city-wide crime spree, stealing and vandalizing, before he’s finally cornered in an abandoned factory. He’s surrounded by police and SWAT but he refuses to give up, opting instead to burn down the factory. Joe goes down in a senseless blaze of violence. The night news runs a piece wondering why a seemingly mild mannered man would suddenly snap like that. The news runs an interview with Joe’s young wife, holding a little baby boy in her arms, crying and talking about how she never saw that coming and how her son will grow up without a father now because YOU CAN’T PARALLEL PARK.

That kid? He grows up to be the next Hitler. War and genocide.

Here’s an alternate picture. Joe Everyone is trying to get to work. Joe is driving because he’s already running late. Joe gets to his place of employment, which has street parking, but he’s immediately able to find parking because everyone who parks in the neighborhood (a) actually knows how to park, and (b) is considerate. Joe goes in, works a full day, then goes home to his loving monogamous relationship, attends some sort of religious service regularly, performs charity work and teaches his young son not to become a genocidal maniac.

Which is the better (fake, completely loaded for the sake of making a dumb argument) world? I think you’d agree with me that it’s the second picture. Unless you’re Hitler.

You’re not Hitler, are you?

2 comments:

Chris Othic said...

I think in the Joe-finds-a-parking-spot-scenario, it goes like this: Joe leaves work early that day, lies to his wife about it, goes to a hotel, has sex with one of your family members, brags about it, his wife finds out, Joe goes home, kills his wife and kid, burns down the house, goes to work the next day, gets another good parking spot, goes in, shoots the place up, and kills himself.

Now that's more like it. The parking is irrelevant, he just doesn't have to carry the gun quite as far before he shoots up the office.

Catherine said...

I am indeed.