Thursday, August 26, 2010

Not Even Sea Mammals Are Safe

Do whales have nightmares?

If they do, those nightmares certainly look something like this:

That would be Russian President evil puppetmaster dictator for life Prime Minister Vladimir Putin holding a crossbow.  Those of you who frequent this blog (no doubt thirsting for it's increasingly infrequent updated posts of ever decreasing quality and substance) know that Putin's exploits are of particular interest around here.

Today's piece of Putinical joy comes courtesy of the Today Show.  The long and the short of it is this: Vladimir Putin hunts whales now.  With a crossbow.*

Of course, it makes it much easier to hunt them when your gaze freezes the ocean into a giant hunk of ice.

When questioned by reporters about the risk, Putin replied "Living in general is dangerous."

Asked if he had just threatened the reporter's life, Putin replied with this:

Enough to chill a late August afternoon.

*And by hunt, of course, I mean participate in wildlife saving activities.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Words of Wisdom from Internet Spam Emails

"Oh Internet," I begin with a note of trepidation in my voice, "I have a crush on this girl, but I don't know how to get her to love me.  I know this sounds stupid, but...."

I lost my words and could not continue.  I searched for some sort of answer, or at least some support, in the Internet's eyes.

The Internet sipped it's cafe au lait, then rubbed it's chin.  Finally, it said to me in it's most thoughtful tone:

"Love your pecker, and make
your pecker love more and she
will love you."

Thank you, Internet.  Thank you so very much.

Friday, August 20, 2010

FRIDAAAAAAARRGGHH!!!

It's one of these days:

Hooray for this!  No, wait, that was sarcasm.

Hooray for t-4 hours to go until the above can end.

In the meantime, I would like to share this article from an Insane Clown Posse show.

These are the same geniuses behind Miracle.  Which is this piece of awesome:

Enjoy!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Favre

Oh great! It looks like Brett Favre is coming back!


Hooray! Joy, felicitations, and hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

The drama is over! The Gods have smiled on Minnesota! Like an angel sent from heaven, Favre’s plane touched down in the North Star State yesterday, bringing with him all of the skill and moxie and divine intervention the Vikings need to…

HHHHHWWUUAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Oh God, I didn’t mean to… Oh it’s everywhere. Let me clean th…HHHHHHHWWWUUAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

*cough cough*

*spit*

Ugh. I’m so sorry. Let me mop that…no? You got it? Thank you. I’m really sorry.

So… anyway, uh, Favre is returning to finally… do you have, like, a paper towel? Just so I can wipe the, yeah, out of my beard. Thanks. So, Brett Favre is finally returning, after exile to his native Mississippi, at the bequeathing of three Viking players, to finally lead oh God here it comes again, let me just.

*heavy breath*

*heavy breath*

Okay, I think I’m good. Favre HHHHHHWWWWWUUUUAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Oh it’s everywhere; I think I ruined your shirt; I’m so HHHHHWWWWWUUUUUAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

*cough spit cough*

Maybe I better lay down. Do you have any water? Just like tap water? I’m feeling a little dehydrated. Thank you so much. I’m so embarrassed.

Ugh.

Anyway, looks like Favre’s coming back. Who would have seen that coming.

*gag*

Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday: Fears for the Red Beards

Somebody Save My Red Bearded Brethren!

A new species of titi monkey was discovered in the Amazon and then immediately declared endangered.  It figures that they finally uncover someone who can sympathize about having freakishly colored facial hair and now the little bastard is facing extinction.

The monkey's reaction, upon being told of his endangered status:

That's exactly the face I made, minky friend.

I Feel Like I'm Missing Something...

What's wrong with this picture?


Oh you place of employment.

North Korea Continues to Live Up to Comical Stereotype that is North Korea

This is about half a month old and about the World Cup.  So who cares?  But still, who didn't see this coming from a mile away?  North Korea held a six hour long public inquiry into the failure of their soccer team.  What caused these poor 'footballers' to fail in their 'ideological struggle' to put balls into nets more often than foreigners?  Some blame ideological differences, or moral weakness.  I blame malnutrition and a lack of basic freedoms.  But hey, what do I know?

The Man, The Myth, The Legend

Joe Janes has a book signing tonight at the DeMaat theatre tonight, which is accompanied by a selection of his 365 Sketches and a good old fashioned talkin' portion.  If you have the night free, you should come on out.  Here's some more information, and I might call ahead for tickets if I were you.  I'll be there tonight, singing one of the songs.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Trip Log: Wisconsin

Four days after the fact, but here it is anyway!


Ah Wisconsin! It’s hardly surprising that the Packer’s colors are green and yellow; with the plentiful amounts of trees and cheese covering Illinois’ kindly northern neighbor, it’s hard to imagine two more fitting colors.

As we’ve done before, Katie and I took a long weekend and spent it frolicking about in the great northern wilderness. The only difference is that this time, through the assistance of Wunderfone, we were able to record some of that ol’ Wisconsin charm. Behold, my trip log!

THE TRIP THERE

We left last Thursday afternoon – I drove out to Katie’s place in the suburbs after work, we packed up the car and headed north. Since it was already kind of late, we stopped for dinner on our way up. What’s more Wisconsiny than Culvers?

I’ll tell you what. THE WORLD’S LARGEST CULVERS


Located in Milton, WI, THE WORLD’S LARGEST CULVERS (and yes, apparently someone is keeping track) features a gigantic dining room, a conference room, an ATM, artwork that is for sale, and of course milkshakes (which, I mean, you can get at any Culvers, but they’re good, so, yeah).  No idea how this stacks up with, say, THE WORLD'S LARGEST KFC, but it was impressive nonetheless.

A picture of my lovely girlfriend enjoying a refreshing Culver’s fountain drink:


And a picture of me posing with an inanimate object:


We rolled into Eagle River, WI very late and ran to the grocery store to pick up some supplies (breakfast foods, mostly, and a toothbrush) and finally made it to Katie’s family’s cabin at… 3 AM. YIKES.

FRIDAY

What happened on Friday? I’ll tell you what: sleeping. Something about that north woods air, man. It’s like carbon dioxide poisoning. But in a good way!

I then proceeded to take a picture of this:


And this:


That last one will haunt your acid trip nightmares for the remainder of your days. No idea why I felt the need to take those pictures. Maybe I was trying to prove that Wisconsin is a gnome’s paradise. Whatever the case may be, they’re on the blog now. So deal.

FISHING


That’s Katie, pointing to where the fish live.

If there’s one thing Katie loves to do in Wisconsin, it’s fish. She fishes like a madwoman. She was brought up fishing. She dominates in the pan-fish catching department. I, on the other hand, have never been a fisherman. Regardless, the competition was on! Who would catch the most fish?!

Fish #1 of the weekend:


Fish #2 of the weekend:


Fish #3 through#6 went undocumented. They were all Katie fish. How many fish did Nat catch? In answer to that question, here’s a picture of our feet!


That should answer your question.

PICTURES WITH INANIMATE OBJECTS

As usual, I compensated for my inability to perform life-saving, essential tasks such as catching aquatic pieces of protein by taking pictures of myself with inanimate objects. If there’s one thing they love in Wisconsin (aside from cheese, football, fishing, snowmobiling, brewing beer, cussing out people from Minnesota, etc.) it’s bizarre statues.

Here’s me at the delicious White Stag restaurant, where we had dinner with Katie's parents (I highly recommend this place, it's great):


Here’s a picture of me with this thing:


Here’s a picture of Katie commiserating:


Here’s a picture of us getting out heads cut off by a couple of lumberjacks in a parking lot:


And a picture of Katie’s mom (photographer on that last picture) meeting the same fate:


FOREIGN TOOTHBRUSHES

A seemingly normal toothbrush, right?


Not so fast, my friends. Turn it around and read the instructions.


It's a little hard to make our, but those instructions would be in poorly written English and Arabic.

Apparently Wisconsin imports their toothbrushes from the Middle East?

AND THEN WE CAME HOME

On Sunday night. We didn’t want to leave the picturesque confines of the north woods but, alas, money must be made and Monday is as good a day as any to do it (and yes I’ve just admitted to counterfeiting money on my own blog.)*

Good times were had, though. As evidenced by the fact that I had to drag Katie away from the lake.


‘There will always be more fish. Also, it’s about to rain.’

*Dear US Government: I don’t actually counterfeit my own money. I can barely count. Please don’t arrest me.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Gone Fishin'

Be back Monday for your regularly scheduled lack-of-regularly-scheduled updates.

Love,

Slacking Blogger