Monologue on the Similarities Between a New Orchestra Conductor and a Rockstar

That new conductor is a Rockstar.


You heard me. The new Symphony Orchestra conductor is like a mother-effin’ rockstar.

Holy eff.

Did you see the way he handled that baton? He was wailing on that thing like it was a Flying V and he was lighting shiz on fire in front of a million people screaming their effin’ lungs out.

And all that business he pulled out with the viola section? Coaxing that sweet racket out of some mother-effin woodwinds? Eff me, brotha, I ain’t seen a conductor handle woodwinds like that since Metallic pre-suck.

That was rock and roll.

I haven't seen someone rock the classics since LZ was making the classics.  LZ=Led Zepplin.  I'll bet Maestro has that tatood on his effin' chest.

And did you see the way that effer was waving his arms and shiz around? Just getting his rocks on with the music? I haven’t seen an emeffer lose their mind like that since Ozzy in ’81. Except this dude bit the head off of Tchaikovsky and not, you know, a dove. But damned if it wasn’t the same feel; I nearly lost my shiz right there.

Seriously, I was that close to starting up the mosh pit.

And then, when he finished up with that Respighi? Holy eff, it melted my face off. Like literally my face was in a puddle on the floor the Symphony Hall and my mind was too blown for me to pick it up.

What a effin rock star.  E-F-N-P-I-M-P.

Effin A.