Thursday, May 26, 2011

Grab Your Shotgun! It's Biking Season!

It’s late May in Chicago, which means that warm weather is ALMOST AROUND THE CORNER!!! Which in turn means that I’ve taken my bike out of the dank dungeon-like basement/laundry room of my slowly crumbling apartment building and have started schlepping my ass to work biker-style.

Biking has always been dangerous.  Even with the addition of sensible sized wheels, you're still likely to end up on your ass.
And let there be no confusion. By biker, I do not mean motorcycle, hog, crotch rocket or whatever else the kids are calling it these days. I’m talking about the rickety, rusty piece of metal that I chose to hop on and pedal around as though it were a legitimate means of transportation.

Hey, gas prices/lack of working car and all that. What else am I going to do? Take the CTA?!

I’ve always felt (since finally getting a bike about a year ago. N.B. “Always” = “One Year”) that bicycles are like the dolphins of the streets.  Hear me out. Larger than the tuna streaming through the crosswalks, but definitely smaller than the whales, who pose a constant and ever-present threat to the dolphins’ well being, bikers are also highly intelligent (read: hipsters) but highly fragile.

And, because of this constant and ever-present threat, I’ve developed my own bike related paranoias. Which I will now list for you. Because I like lists:

  1. If it’s a windy day, the wind is always blowing in my face. Doesn’t matter the time of year, type of weather, position of the stars in relation to the moon, anything. Always in my face. 
  2. If there’s a chance of rain and I decide to ride my bike, it will inevitably rain.
  3. If there’s a chance of rain and I decide to take the bus, it will inevitably be the nicest, most bike conducive weather imaginable.
  4. Bus drivers are always trying to side swipe me. I’m convinced of this.
  5. If I am passing a taxi that is stopped to let people out, I know that the passenger will try to hit me with the door. Or throw a bottle of coke at me. Or shout while I pass by. Or any other number of douchy things.
  6. It's almost always better to just blow through stop signs.  If you try stopping for cars, you will inevitably just sit there looking at each other, gesturing for the other to go.  This lasts as long as five minutes and always ends with you both going at the same time anyway.  Better to just get hit the first time around.
  7. Everyone is always looking at my ass.

Any other bikers out there? Care to share your paranoia? This blog is a blog of healing. For one post only.


Anonymous said...

with regard to people checking out your ass, as i understand it, most people usually just roll up a pant leg when they bike, not remove their pants completely...something to think about...

Unknown said...

Well, you know, if you're spending an hour on the road every day you want to be comfortable.