Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A Modest Proposal to Remedy the Child Obesity Epidemic Ravaging the World, Making Life Uncomfortable for the Rest of Us

People, we have a problem in this world and the problem is Fat Kids.*

Yes, Fat Kids the primary social illness of the modern era.  I don't know if you people know this - if you've been outside of your fancy condo or incredibly expensive home lately or taken a walk during your lunch hour from your high powered job, you've noticed that there is a preponderance of Fat Kids out there loitering around in front of the convenience stores.  They sit there, frantically shoving Little Debbie baked goods into their face and refusing to exercise.

Oh my God, there are Fat Kids everywhere, and it's making it difficult for us to enjoy our delicious Starbucks bakery treats and highly sugared espresso drinks while we check the Wall Street Journal app on our smart phones during our breaks.

How did Fat Kids become such an overwhelmingly threatening threat that threatens the very threatlessness of our lives?  Simply answer, their parents.  While not responsible necessarily for teaching their children manners, thoughtfulness, morals, community mindedness or tact, parents are responsible for ONE THING: at least make sure your kids aren't Fat Kids.

Yes, they can be self-centered assholes and wastrels, but at least let them be thin.

You have one goal, parents: make sure your kids aren't Fat Kids.  Because when you have Fat Kids it's a little uncomfortable for the rest of us.

A few well intentioned but misguided researchers from Harvard (HARVARD!!!) have recommended that obese children be taken away from their obviously incompetent, uncaring and just frankly evil parents, and placed into the custody of foster parents.  Foster, as we all know, is Australian for fixing a child's life.

The idea is that the act of Child Fatening is tantamount to child abuse, which places it on par with such nasty acts as beating one's children, forcing one's children to live in a cage, and abusing one's children in ways that are more vile and horrendous than anything we could imagine.

You see, parents must provide their children with four things: food, clothing, shelter and safety.  We know that  when a parent fails to provide an adequate amount of these things, that they are harming their children.  What most people don't know is that providing too much can be harmful as well.  Too much food?  Obese children, disgusting!  Too much clothing?  Imagine a class of children running around with eight sweaters on!  Too much shelter?  How many roofs do you propose to put over these childrens' heads, sir?!

Too much safety?  Well, we know that's impossible.  You cannot shield a child enough from such things as pain, failure, disappointment, disillusionment, inadequacy or any of the other less desirable emotions they will repeatedly be forced to deal with their entire adult lives.  Better for them to be horribly surprised than have a non-perfect childhood.

It is certainly true that children must not be allowed to become obese, as that condition leads to many adverse side effects.  People must be kept alive for as long as possible, so that they can buy more radioactive phones, inhale more car exhaust fumes, bake longer in the tanning booths, alter their appearance more to become attractive to other people, and purchase more energy drinks; in short, to live a longer and more productive and enjoyable life.

But will taking these Fat Children from their parents and placing them in the custody of foster parents really solve anything?  After all, by the time these children have been saved, they will already be fat.  Aren't these unreasonable expectations to place on foster parents?  Make these fat children unfat?  Can you even do that?

For this reason, I would like to propose another method to remedy this highly undesirable situation: obese children are to be taken away from their parents, and placed in a battle dome with an entire zoo's worth of predatory animals.  Their lives will be then monitored by television cameras, which will broadcast the Fat Dome to people around the world for their viewing pleasure.

Most of you Readers are right now nodding in agreement.  This is, you say, the most obvious answer to this problem.  However, we live in a "democracy" so some of you have a differing opinion on the matter.  And so, I will now convince you.

Have you ever seen an unfit gladiator?  No.  That's because gladiators must battle constantly for their lives, and in doing so they (a) get a lot of exercise, and (b) eat only what they have time to eat in between battles with tigers.  This also satisfies our society's Darwinian belief that only the strong survive.  While normally 'the strong' constitutes 'rich kids with parents that buy them everything' in our modern era, the Fat Dome method allows Fat Kids to achieve their own unfatness and, in doing so, their freedom.

In this way, these children are given something that even perfect children on the outside are not given: actual physical exercise.  Not that the lack of good playgrounds or competitive sports at young ages are detrimental to the development of modern children - after all, kids are to be protected from cuts, bumps, bruises and scrapes at all cost - or that this societal obsession with safety and it's preference that kids just play video games might possibly in some small way effect the healthiness of children in the first place.  I'm not saying that at all.  I'm just saying, it's different.

And of course the real boon here is that we, the rest of society, get to watch the Fat Dome play out on television and really just enjoy this blood sport for everything it is.  Yes, some of the Fat Kids might be eaten by wild animals or be forced to kill other Fat Kids just to make it out alive.  But hey, they were probably going to develop diabetes anyway.  This way is a lot more fun for the rest of us.

Now, the call to arms: dear Reader, instituting the Fat Dome is the only logical way to solve this problem.  I can only do so much - after all, I'm just a shadowy figure with a blog who makes mostly snarky comments but who SOMETIMES writes entirely sincere prescriptions to remedy societal ills - and what I am capable of I have already done.  It is up to you, friends, to spread the word and help make this happen.

Write your congresspeople!  Convert your friends!  Don't listen to those naysayers out there who would call you an animal, a shallow asshole and an idiot!  If you must, send them the link to this post if it will help convince them.  But we must not fail in this endeavor.
If it were up to this guy, we would just eat the Fat Kids.
Of course, he would say that.  He looks a little pudgy himself, no?

Fat Dome.  Let's make it happen.

*Please note, this entire post is facetious.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"Fosters is Australian for fixing a child's life"