Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Hot Sex Air Balloon

After five months, I now have a TV again.  One thing I'm enjoying right now are the ridiculous commercials I've missed so very much.  I sometimes like to write explanations of the action going on during the drug commercials, and how they relate to the drug.  The below is for Cialis.

There’s a sexy lady standing in front of a mirror in her tastefully decorated middle class bedroom.  She’s going out to probably get some coffee and run some errands maybe, and she’s fixing her hair or something flirty like that.  She’s got one sexy number on – a sweater jacket so hot it’ll melt your face off.  But oh no, her collar is turned up and she hasn’t noticed yet.  Who’s going to help her?

Boom, enter her husband.  He takes one look at her, and he sees that sweater jacket, the one he bought her for Sweetest’s Day because it looked so good on her and he can’t control himself.  He knows exactly what to do.  He saunters over to her, stands behind her, and flips that collar down where it belongs. 

Their eyes meet, and guess what?  Sexy lady just wasted her time getting dressed because someone’s had his Cialis, and now it’s time for sex.

Before you know it, they’re hugging and looking at each other and getting all touchy feely.  The camera’s losing its mind too, doing turns and stuff around the two as they’re getting busy.  The husband’s running his hands up and down that form fitting sweater jacket and, holy shit, what’s happening?  The bedroom walls are falling down and suddenly they’re in a gigantic basket.  What the hell happened?

Who cares?  It’s about to get kinky.

They’re lifting off.  Suddenly they’re in a hot air balloon.  And that air balloon is looking pretty hot, kiddies.  It’s a sex balloon now, and our happy couple is getting off the ground real quick.  They’re up in the mile high club now, floating over a warmly lit country side, high on Cialis and feeling good.  So good that the sexy lady takes one look at the camera and starts listing off some naughty little side effects.

And the husband can’t help himself, he’s gotta get in on this crazy action.  And before long he’s spouting of side effects too.  Holy shit, they’re talking nasty, nasty shit right now – talking about how long your erection lasts and whether or not you gotta go see that doctor and get your check up.

Hell yeah, Cialis in a hot sex air balloon.  Make that sex, crazy sex kittens in the sky.

How's that for horrifying?

Monday, September 19, 2011

Jean-Philippe's Love Corner, or I Have An Agent Now! Let's Celebrate!

Hey!  Guess what?  I have an honest-to-God voice over agent now!


They're called Talent Group!  More information on the Voice Over / Audio Goodness tab!

To celebrate, here's a little piece of audio fun I made!  It features me doing a silly French accent!  More exclamation points than are reasonable!!  Enjoy!


If you would like your letter read and responded to by Jean-Philippe Emomonton, please email me
(nat [dot] topping [at] gmail [dot] com) with the subject 'JP's Love Corner' and, who knows, I might actually get around to making more of these.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Proposed Solution to the Memorial/Labor Day Problem - And Yes, This is a Problem

I have this problem, which is that I can never keep Labor Day and Memorial Day straight. Inevitable it gets down to the end of August and I say something along the lines of ‘Hey, Memorial Day is next weekend,’ at which point other people point out that I have the wrong day and they all start laughing at me.




Well, at least when it comes to my general inability to remember widely known calendrical details. In my own defense, though, they are basically the same holiday. Yes, I know that one is about celebrating Labor and one is about celebrating Memory. But I submit the following as evidence: 
  • Both are on a Monday 
  • Both mean a three day weekend
  • Both mark an important milestone for Summer
  • Both heavily involve barbecues and drinking
  • Both involve the availability of public swimming pools
  • Nobody knows what either is actually celebrating

They are therefore proven to be the same exact day. Quid pro quo. That’s a term, right? Did I use it correctly? Should I have used Cogito Ergo Sum? Anyone know Latin out there?

I can only assume, since I’ve had so much trouble with this throughout my entire lifetime, that most everyone else secretly has the same problem. Oh sure, they might deride me whenever I make the dreaded date faux pas, but deep down they’re thinking ‘Wait, is it Memorial Day or is it Labor Day? I myself am so confused that I feel the need to displace my anger onto another person, one who is incredibly handsome and good natured but na├»ve in the ways of holidays.’

In fact, I’m certain that’s what you’re thinking right now.

And so, I would like to propose the following: we ditch the two different names and combine them into a holiday that happens twice a year: Membor Day*. It’s nice and inclusive: everyone’s a Membor! And, you won’t have to worry about remembering which is which; you can just enjoy yourself and go “cook sausages,” “play bags,” drink “tall boys” and do other suspiciously phallic sounding things. There might be an issue if people are trying to plan parties for both early Membor day and late Membor day, but if that’s the case then to hell with you; Membor Day is about last minute barbecue plans, not planning ahead.

Contact your senator. Lord knows, they’re not doing anything else worthwhile right now.

*It’s either Membor or Lamorial Day. We can take a poll if you want, but I’d rather just move ahead with Membor if it’s okay with y’all.