Proposed Solution to the Memorial/Labor Day Problem - And Yes, This is a Problem

I have this problem, which is that I can never keep Labor Day and Memorial Day straight. Inevitable it gets down to the end of August and I say something along the lines of ‘Hey, Memorial Day is next weekend,’ at which point other people point out that I have the wrong day and they all start laughing at me.

 

AND I HATE BEING LAUGHED AT!!

 

Well, at least when it comes to my general inability to remember widely known calendrical details. In my own defense, though, they are basically the same holiday. Yes, I know that one is about celebrating Labor and one is about celebrating Memory. But I submit the following as evidence: 

• Both are on a Monday 
• Both mean a three day weekend
• Both mark an important milestone for Summer
• Both heavily involve barbecues and drinking
• Both involve the availability of public swimming pools
• Nobody knows what either is actually celebrating

They are therefore proven to be the same exact day. Quid pro quo. That’s a term, right? Did I use it correctly? Should I have used Cogito Ergo Sum? Anyone know Latin out there?

 

I can only assume, since I’ve had so much trouble with this throughout my entire lifetime, that most everyone else secretly has the same problem. Oh sure, they might deride me whenever I make the dreaded date faux pas, but deep down they’re thinking ‘Wait, is it Memorial Day or is it Labor Day? I myself am so confused that I feel the need to displace my anger onto another person, one who is incredibly handsome and good natured but naïve in the ways of holidays.’

 

In fact, I’m certain that’s what you’re thinking right now.

 

And so, I would like to propose the following: we ditch the two different names and combine them into a holiday that happens twice a year: Membor Day*. It’s nice and inclusive: everyone’s a Membor! And, you won’t have to worry about remembering which is which; you can just enjoy yourself and go “cook sausages,” “play bags,” drink “tall boys” and do other suspiciously phallic sounding things. There might be an issue if people are trying to plan parties for both early Membor day and late Membor day, but if that’s the case then to hell with you; Membor Day is about last minute barbecue plans, not planning ahead.

 

Contact your senator. Lord knows, they’re not doing anything else worthwhile right now.

 

*It’s either Membor or Lamorial Day. We can take a poll if you want, but I’d rather just move ahead with Membor if it’s okay with y’all.