Dear The Man,
I understand that you are not in the business of being any fun. You’re The Man. Your job is to make everyone else’s lives miserable. I get that.
So, The Man, if you want to kick a bunch of hippies and unemployed people out of a park, that’s fine. If you want to fire a revered 75 year old teacher/ordained minister for something minor like masturbating behind his podium while teaching algebra, that’s fine too.
But for the love of God, don’t take my Internet anonymity away from me!
Apparently, your friends in the Department of Justice are asking Congress to make lying on the Internet a prosecutable offense.
I mean, if that’s the case then they may as well remove the Internet from being on the Internet. The whole point of the Internet is that it’s a lawless no-man’s-land of pornography, vice and convenient banking. If you take the lying away from that, all we’ll have left is pornography! Which is fine – pornography is great – but we’re really not making the most out of this wonderful tool of deceit.
We’ll all have to get our lying fix by lying to each other’s faces. That’s no fun! What if someone punches me? Next thing we know, you’ll try taking sports commenting away from us, and then what will we have?
To sum up, The Man, you can be a dick all you want. Just don’t dick around with my Internet.
Reginald L. Cummerbund III
From The Internet
P.S. That is a real picture of me. For serious.