It turns out Mitt Romney speaks French.
I know, you're freaking out because heaven forbid a Presidential candidate speak anything other than AM'RKIN, but it's true. We know this because a certain Republican Presidential candidate, seen here posing next to his Lego doppelganger...
|Also the Lego incarnation of Andy Warhol.|
"Bonjour! Je m'appelle Mitt Romney?!" Who is this man?! Next thing you know, he'll be telling us his name isn't Mitt Romney!
Having a French speaking President would (I'm sure) be an insult to our fore fathers who (I'm sure) would never stoop so low (I'm sure) as to speak the language of those filthy, cigarette-smoking, capitalism-hating, freedom-destroying muckety-muck Frogpeople! I'm sure of this!
Oh wait, did you have something to say, Thomas Jefferson?
|For fun, compare this picture of Thomas Jefferson with the above picture of Newt Gingrich!|
Why sir, that stern and disapproving glare leads me to believe that you disagree with something that I may have just typed. And lo, after a quick review of the American History that I only half learned because I was too busy thinking about boobs in class to pay attention, it seems like we owe a lot to the French. Including a lot of the enlightenment ideals that permeate our Constitution, or the military assistance that the French lent us during the Revolutionary War, or the Statue of Liberty, or the design for Washington DC's city plan, or any number of other things the French directly or indirectly gave to us.
In fact, if Benjamin Franklin weren't so busy sleeping with the ghosts of French prostitutes he'd probably be here as well, casting disapproving glared in our general direction.
And so, America, to sum up: don't be as stupid as Newt Gingrich wants you to be.
As long as none of the candidates is fluent in Latin and Greek. James Garfield was fluent in Latin and Greek. That's why he was assassinated.
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