Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Upcoming Events for 2012

The new year offers us all a fresh start: another chance to make the same mistakes we made last year, and the tantalizing possibility of adding some new ones! This year (2012, genius) particularly has special significance. For starters, it’s the first year to have two ‘2’s in the number since, like, 1922. (I feel like I’m missing one in there…) Attach to that fact what significance you will.

As a means of helping you plan for this seminal moment in history, I humbly offer the following list of major events for the upcoming year accompanied by a brief explanation for why you should care. These are just some of the pivotal events you all have to look forward to:

2012 Summer Olympics, London UK – It seems like only two years ago we were making fun of the Canadians for their bizarre opening ceremonies. Imagine those same ceremonies with twice the silly clothing, three times the pomp and half the hemp! The Olympic games celebrate the spirit of peace and fellowship among nations with spirited and sometimes violent competition over precious metals. The country with the most medals wins crude oil! Expect Queen Elizabeth to compete in women’s shot put.

2012 World Expo, Yeosu South Korea – Yes, they still have World Expositions. Unlike the expositions of the late 1800s to mid 1900s, nobody really cares anymore. But that shouldn’t stop you from having a good time! This year’s topic is ‘The Living Ocean and Coast,’ which, whoah. Sure, it’s no Devil in the White City, but the living ocean? Excitement, am I right? AND, Yeosu is located on the coast of South Korea that is farthest from North Korea, so if shit goes down you should be able to swim to Japan!

Turing Centenary Conference, University of Cambridge UK – this… centenary conference… honors… Turing, who… was… a ah hell who gives a damn?

Presidential Election, United States of America – didn't we just do this?  With the nonstop corporate sponsored election cycle, it certainly feels like it.  Nevertheless, the ceaseless march of primaries, debates, gaffes, panderings and speachifying rolls on, and it won't stop until everybody hates everyone.  Personally?  I plan on finding a third party candidate and expounding on the virtues of throwing your vote away to anyone who will listen.  So, you know, look for that.

End of the World – For this year’s end of the world, the computer programs will all reset to the year 1900 because computer programmers never thought that… wait a minute…

End of the World v2 – at least, according to the ancient Mayans. At least, according to the people who speak for the ancient Mayans. You know, the people who sell books! Does the Mayan Calendar really predict the end of the world? Or did the calendar carver just get tired of carving? Or is it like a regular calendar that just starts over once you get past December 31st? The answers to these questions? Who cares? This is more fun anyway. With the end of the world looming over our heads (again) we get to live life like there’s no 2013. Until, of course, we make it to 2013, at which point we’ll realize we miscalculated and that the end of the world is really in 2015.

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